Today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you. I hate days like today, because they remind me of the one thing I don’t have.

How could I not love you? No one has ever affected me like you do. When you told me goodbye , I tried to let you go. I told myself it was the best thing for you because you wanted it. But you’re wrong. I’m good for you even it you don’t know it yet. I know because I’ve never been good enough for anyone before Maybe the reason why you have to stop loving a person is because fate chose both of you to be friends, where forever is a lot more possible.

The best feeling in the world is knowing you finally took a step in the right direction, a step towards the future where everything that you never thought was possible is possible. When he left, you spent all your energy holding on to him. You could be happy if you let go.Bad stuff does happen sometimes. Always remember that, but remember that you have to move on, somehow. You pick up your head and stare at something beautiful like the sky, or the ocean and you move the hell on.There will come a time in your life when you become absolutely infatuated with a single soul. For this person, you’d do anything & not think twice about it, but when asked why, you have no answer. You’ll try your whole life to understand how a single person can affect you as much as they do, but youdon’t let anyone ever promise you that they won’t ever hurt you because at one time or another, it’ll happen. the real promise is if the time you spent together will be worth the pain in the end.

it’s like he’s driving a car and i just want to be in the passenger seat. he’s locked the door and i have to hold onto the bumper. i am not even asking him to open the door for me, just leave it unlocked and say come in, but he didn’t do that. so i am hanging on to the bumper and life goes on. and the car goes on and i get really badly bruised and i’m hitting potholes and it hurts, it really hurts. so yesterday i had to let go of the bumper because it hurts too much.
I’ll never find out. & no matter how badly it hurts or how badly you hate it, you’ll love this person for the rest of your life without regret.
I can choose to let it define me, confine me, refine me, outshine me, or I can choose to move the fuck on and leave it behind me

We think we know who we are but we don’t, not until something bad happens to us
I thought you’d always be the one constant in my life, the one person I could rely on, I was wrong.

It’s not hard to find someone that will tell you they love you. It’s hard to find someone who actually means it.
If I was meant to be controlled, I would have came with a remote.

I’ve been treated like shit by too many people, I have my guard up at all times, and I’ve built walls because I’m afraid to ever get hurt again. I’m stubborn because if I’m not I get walked all over. I cry easy because I’m emotional and a wreck. I don’t Make sense half the time because I have too many things run through my head at once. I’m not an easy person to understand.
And it just feels like my insides are in this constant battle, where one part of me just wants to be happy, confident, fine without you. But the other part…the other part just wants you to see just how you affect me, and exactly what you’ve done to me You know when you’re singing along with this song, and you know all the words cause you really love it. Then a train passes or a door closes, and you can’t hear the music anymore, but you keep singing anyway. Then, when you can hear it again, you’re still perfectly in time with it. Well, that’s what love is.

i used to stress him, find ways to impress him, now i think less of him, just wish the best for him.

wanting to know …

Sometimes no matter how hard you try, there’s just too much against you.
Sometimes no matter how many people are with you, you feel like you’re all on your own.
Sometimes “I love you” is all you want to hear, but it goes unsaid.
But we always have our hope, everyone should keep that at heart, there’s always a way back to the top when you’re at rock bottom.

I don’t know why, but lately I’ve become obsessed with wanting to know what’s gonna happen in my life, what direction it’s gonna take.

I’m not satisfied with just waiting for everything to happen, and come together. Yep, impatient Deena  strikes again.  wanna know where this year is gonna take me. Like last year i would have loved to know what was in store, would have prevented so much crap that went on.Imagine if someone walked up to you, and just told you everything thats going to happen to you over the next few years? I don’t know if the majority of people would like it, or hate it? But at this stage I think I want to know. It’s completely contradicting my normal view on things, but for once I wanna be prepared. I’m the most unprepared person, when it comes to EVERYTHING! And I just want things to be different

Like people I’ve met that have turned out to be completely not what they seemed? I could have avoided all that, and saved myself a little hardship? If you’d even call it that. If I just knew what was coming in advance.

I could see the results of my own mistakes, and know not to make them, and I could just I dunno, I think I’d find it easier to breathe.

There’s nothing I want more than that whole “perfect life”. But since college started I just went a bit crazy and lived in the moment a bit too much?

 

I’m over that now, and I wanna play things safe for a while. Be happier. I have who i need in my life. And the whole being crazy thing is becoming less appealing by the day. This probably makes no sense to you reading this. You see, I know exactly what I’m talking about, but i cant bring myself to say it, which is pathetic enough in itself.Apologies! But i think with the end of the semester, its the end of my little crazy chapter. Its all finito now, i just wanna be happy now.. Not temporarily happy, like a constant. No more craziness! I just wanna have a more predictable life, I’m not sure if that’s the right word! But I’m sick of pretending, and hiding everything out of fear, i just want everything to be simple again. No more complications. I want things to be out in the open. Imagine how much easier that would be for everyone? Think about your life? Imagine it with no secrets, things would be a hell of a lot easier, for all involved.

This blog has changed from one topic, completely to another. I think it’s the painkillers. Sorry guys. I cannot for a second imagine anyone’s gonna like this blog, but oh well. Gonna post it anyways, be a rebel! It’s nice to vent!

Like literally the world is seeming more fucked up by the second, cannot get out of this rut, and can’t even sleep to make it go the fuck away.
I need to vent, so i’m going to vent the crap out of this mind frame, i know thats all that’ll make it go away, because right now, it’s making me feel sick.

I dunno, I guess this is part of life like, but honestly, i do not need bs right now.
This summer i worked hard to filter all that out of my life, and now it feels like it’s getting its creepy little disgusting claws back in the door of my life.
I can’t let that happen!

For the first time in a long time i’m actually content, not happy, but content with where my life is going like, all optimism aside i think i’m doing pretty well, but this week has just been so SHIT.

It’s like, crazy! Like there was so many good times this week, but right now, all i can comprehend are the times where i was just like, i dunno, down and out.

Which is so STUPID and it’s completely the opposite to what i stride to do on a day to day basis, it goes against my whole “good outweighs evil” theory. Like i need to get out of this, it’s just BLAH.

Like there’s some people i just can’t be dealing with anymore, seriously, just like, oh my god. Them people know this pretty well so it’s okay now, but like, even still, jesus christ i dunno why this week it seems to be constantly on my mind!

The purpose of sucking all the snake venom out of a bite is so it can’t damage you anymore, like it cannot ever hurt you again, but it seems like even though i done that, i think there’s still some venom creeping around, and that venom needs to literally LEAVE. Like right now.

In my opinion, the best type of magic is love. Love is what keeps families strong when times are really tough. Love is what you feel when you hug your best friend for the first time in ages. Love is what you feel when you’re completely proud of someone. Love is what you feel when you respect someone to the highest, and aspire to be like them, like your parents, or an idol, anyone.

Love is magic. Magic is love.

Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy: both. I want people afraid of how much they love me.

Alot of girls fall for the wrong guy simply because the wrong guy always says the right things . I have broken rule # 2 two  times this year . I got attached to someone who I can and did lose . I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, people are jerks. I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion not proof- to destroy it. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourselves to others; they’re more screwed up than you think. I’ve learned that the people you care the most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones never go away.  I won’t ask for you to promise me forever. I won’t ask you to treat me as if I’m a princess, but I’ll ask you to promise me that you’d remember me forever, that I’ll be somewhere in your heart no matter how long time goes by, that even if you moved on, we won’t be strangers.That you’d give us another chance. If that day you have no one, I won’t be waiting for you.

People break promises they make, But maybe one day, out of luck, one person out of the six billion would keep his promise, the promise that you were reluctant of believing, of setting your heart on it. But one day, you might find yourself in a white dress, besides you is that one person in his tux. Before you know it, you are saying “Always & Forever, I do.”I’m ready to go, move on, and be happy, but there’s this little shred of “maybe he’ll turn around and tell me he wants me tomorrow.”

I hope that in this new year to come, you make mistakes. If you are making mistakes, then  you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re doing something. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life. Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, DO IT. Make your mistakes, next year and forever.

 

There’s a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it’s not giving up. It’s realizing that you don’t need certain people and their crap

what comes around goes around .

I just wanted to let you know that I’m thankful to have met you. Regardless of whether you’re there for me or not, I’m thankful to have someone like you in my life. As much as I would like to dislike you its pretty difficult to do so. No matter how many times you’ve walked in and out of my life I’ll always be thankful for having you in my life. It’s out of place to say this but I love you take it as it is.

 

up until now I still wonder of all the girls you’ve met and will meet why would you choose someone like me? And of all the guys I’ve met and will meet why did i choose you? We’ll never really know the answer but I thank God for making you a part of my life. I would not say that it’ll be forever because I know nothing lasts that long but I am praying that ‘til the rest of our lives we’ll be together. 🙂

I met you and you met me. We never expected something like this will happen. I was busy with my own life and so are you then one night who would’ve thought that destiny will play its trick on us.

I would not say that I know you so well because I don’t, but still we’re trying to get to know each other and become a little closer.. despite the distance.

I never thought that I will love again after all the heart break and pain due to past relationships that’s why I thank you for making me believe that LOVE is still there in my heart

.

i really thought about stopping this blog.

does it matter? do i still care? will this make any sense?

when i ask myself those questions one word always comes to my mind.

NO.

It doesn’t matter. I don’t care anymore. It doesn’t make any sense.

So why did i continue making this? Just Because.

Friends to Lovers then back to friends. Is this possible? the answer is YES.

Once you fully accepted and moved on, when there is no more bitterness in your heart, when you finally found someone who gives you what you deserve IT IS POSSIBLE.

Pretensions while in a relationship is unhealthy and so is cheating.

If you have that kind right now, let me advice you to LET IT GO because sooner or later you will realize it is not worth it.

I always believe that BEST relationships is not about the quantity but the QUALITY.

I hope you found the other half of your life.

Don’t worry I’ll find mine but I’m not in a hurry.

In God’s perfect time, someone will come and sweep me off of my feet.

but until you tell me otherwise I will say this to you

No, I would not settle for less… that’s why i chose to be with you.

I’m tired of asking “what if” questions that make my head hurt.

So I’ve decided to “take risks, give chances”.

Who cares if I fall.. At least I tried and give my all.

You maybe ready, you maybe not..

But for you, I will give my best shot. For you, I will give everything I got.

I can’t promise you perfection,Cause that is not who I am.I can’t promise you forever,Cause I don’t hold fate within my hands.I can’t promise you the sunshine,Because I know there will be rain.I can’t promise you complete happiness,Cause with true love, there comes pain.I can’t promise to always smile,Cause life always has a way to make me cry.I can’t promise to always stand strong,Cause it’s never easy to want to give life another try.

At one point you might feel worthless to one person, but never forget that you are priceless to another.

I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.

 

I used to think certain people in my life were the real deal. That we’d stay tight forever. Now, the older i get, I finally start to realize. In your entire life you can probably count your true friends on one hand. Maybe even one finger. Those are the people you need to cherish. I wouldn’t trade one of them for a hundred of the other kind. I’d ather be completely alone with a bunch of people who aren’t real, people who are just passing time.”

Life’s kinda funny. Looking back, I really thought nothing would go wrong and we’d always understand each other no matter our differences. But it just came to bite me in the ass instead. In fact, we were too different. I tried denying that, tried to cover it up even, and look where it got me. I always thought I was a fool for being so relentless and persistent when it came to the things I want. I thought I wanted you. But in the end, I came to realize that women like me are just so simple-minded and easy to please. More like an idiot when it comes down to silly things like love. I thought I wanted love like that. Flowers, sweeping me off my feet, the sweet talk, romantic dinners, those letters. All for me. I thought I wanted that. But like a fool, things like that can easily blind someone. Especially me. It wasn’t really the person I fell in love with. It was the things he did. I hated myself for it. How selfish can I be right? I mean, shouldn’t that be enough? But it wasn’t. I thought I wanted that kind of love, but I was wrong. In love, It doesn’t matter what they say, or how they look, or what they can do for me. It should always be because of how strongly I feel for the person. Give and Take. But it wasn’t like that. And now I realize that was the reason why everything happened the way it should.

What I realized

The thing about life is that you’re going to get hurt. You’re going to have emotional nights and cry yourself to sleep for hours. You’re going to suffer some kind of heartbreak, some kind of loss. But you will also have those moments where you heal. Those moments are the best. You feel like you smile for the first time again. You feel like you’re alive again. Life just kind of restarts.

He won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.

I may not be looking for a relationship, but trust me, I’m the type of person that saves myself for the best person possible. That’s why I wait. Because I know that when I love, I love really hard. And I don’t want the kind of love that only lasts for a few months. I’m saving myself for something lasting.

 

B-

I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that you are the only person in this world I can truly say I love. Love, by definition to me, is something not even I can fathom. It’s something I rarely say or even something I’m scared to feel. But I felt it with you. An emotion so strong that it drove me senseless. I felt as if I was carrying this heavy load in my heart – a crazy desire you may call it – just to be with you.

But I had to hide this strong desire – this overwhelming want – I was ready. I knew I wanted you. But I couldn’t. I shouldn’t. I looked at all the possibilities and there were always traces of wrong that persuaded me my feelings would never reach you. That there was always someone else that occupied your heart. You had someone. I was okay with it. Surprisingly, I was okay with anonymously loving you from a distance. Admiring you from afar. And even more surprisingly, it felt as if my feelings only grew stronger by the day. That this secrecy kept me wanting more. Craving for an answer than I knew I would never receive.

Yet with all the times I tried to build up the courage to go all out and express my hopelessly irrational love for you, I lowkey force myself to think of reasons why I should stop. Why I would get denied. I tell myself that I’m wrong for giving my heart to someone who was already hopelessly in love with someone else. But no matter how hard I try, one look from you and I fall even deeper. One smile, and I’m back to day one.

 

The best thing to do is to let go. It’s hard, but it’s okay. You can’t keep forcing yourself to hold on hoping that he’s going to come back. Because at the end of the day, you’re just going to realize he’s not. And that’s going to hurt even more. You tried your best. But always remember that there are certain things in life that’s meant to happen. If having you without his life makes him happy, then why would you settle for someone who sees you that way? Don’t. You deserve better. People do come and go. Just be strong enough to realize when it’s time to let go. It’s okay.

 

 

Thankful ramblings for you all !!

I get what he means.

“I want to remember where I have been,” he said, looking at the youthful tattoos across his upper arm.

“I dont ever want to forget that I came from a place that is very different from now.”

He paused, a bit hesitant, unsure if he made sense at all.

“I get it,” I said.

“That’s why I write, to make a mark every day, so that I remember.”

the path that I came from. Not to go back, but to know where I have been.

At the end of it.

You have to see that there is nothing wrong.

That you are here and there, that you will be you, that there is no loss.

That you have not lost anything, even though you’ve been so scared.

Well, to be outside is a scary thought, but you have to be vigilant — to not fall back in.

You are you. Joined together because you are not afraid to merge

into one.

Meaning is not set by differences. Existence is not predicated upon absence.

You don’t have to run to run. You just love moving forward.

Life doesn’t need to have a supreme goal or meaning. You can just live, propelling through simply by the innate gift of curiosity.

You have never been incomplete. From the start, til the finish, you will always be.

You have always been.

I talk to myself on a daily basis through writing, both with pen and my computer, sometimes lovingly, other times scathingly, but always in solitude.

Writing is simply my trying to think, to remember, to understand, to be understood. It’s my trying to find what I think I lost, or just some sense of direction to get to that place I want to go so badly.

Writing is my way of saying: hey world, this is me. It’s not much, but love me anyways.

Writing is my saying sorry, my joy, my faith, my fingertip of touch that initiates the transition every morning from dream to earthly reality.

Writing is my prayer, my songs without melody, my guitar without strings.

It’s the way world reveals its beauty to me.

Sometimes I wish I were a little more colorful. That my being would consist of things more than just words, that I’d be a little more approachable like photos or images of faces that can be understood without much difficulty.

Other times I wish I were a little more well-thought-out. That I don’t have to go back and edit my actions, cross out my thoughts or apologize for being in-genuinely me.

But then again I’m always back in this place, where the room is white and I can paint it any color I want, in whatever pattern necessary to fill that vacancy.

Dating someone who doesn’t believe in limits is quite an empowering experience. Suddenly there is no why, there is only why not?

And there I am. Sitting and pondering where I would go, where I’d like to go and how do I get there.

Restless. Everything starts here and now.

Today I am thankful for my eyes, for my face and all its imperfections, for my legs and their mobility, for the red lights that frustrate me, for my sensitivity that brought so much hurt in childhood but brings such gorgeous colors from literature and life.

Today I am grateful for the differences between me and my friends, for the exciting gap I have from ever becoming even slightly knowledgeable, for the incredible love I cannot repay them even with my entire life’s toil.

Today I am working hard because I am still ignorant and curious.

Today I am a little girl who is always hiding under the shield of her loving family and friends.

Today I am an adult who is planning for her life’s career and making important life decisions.

Today I love because I am alive. Today I fault because I am human. Today I am happy because there is air, water, there is food, there is love, there are people and there is time.

The moment we stop expecting is the moment we start to be surprised

by just how amazing life is.

Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving me.

my kids,my mom, my dad, my brother, my sister, my grandparents, my best friends, my groups, my backup plans, my safe shore, my garbage cans, my moral supporters, my listeners, my huggers, my boyfriends.

You didn’t need to.

But you do.

Thank you and I love you too. More than you can ever imagine.

You are what life is to me.

 

 

broken and tired ..

Sometimes you have to know when you’re being used and when people actually like you for you.

I hate being used. Its almost as bad as being lied to. Be upfront and honest.
That is something I could learn to be.

honest.

I just wish I was brave enough to say it all.

it’s one of the worst feelings in the world to find out someone is using you.

Really? Take initiative and get things done the correct way. Don’t hurt people in the process, especially someone who is actually a good person.You know when you’re friends with someone and you thought you’re on good terms with them? You are, but then like they only come to you for certain things or if they’re having troubles. Sure, you’re suppose to be there for them because you guys are friends, but when you’re having problems and they don’t, they’re not even there for you like you were for them. It’s like, what are you to them? A punching bag? A toy that they can come to and then just toss aside? A person they can just use and take advantage of? Honestly, I feel this way more than half the time with a lot of the people I call “friends”. I can feel it, I can see it. They only come to me when they want to vent or spill their problems upon me. They don’t even notice if I’m okay or not. They don’t ask how am I or whatsoever. They just ramble on and on. Yes, I’m being a selfish person for saying they should ask how I am, but it just would be nice, you know? Now everyone’s having their own problems and that’s all they care about. I guess, I guess your problems mean more than anyone else. I just hate that feeling of being used in this way. I’m not a toy, I’m not an entertainment, but I’m human with feelings. I’m not a robot you can vent to 24/7. I get fed up too. I have feelings too and I have my own problems as well. You’re not the only one because in all honesty, it’s starting to get tiring to put others before myself. Sometimes, people make small deals into big problems. It’s irritating. I just wish I stopped caring so much.

• I’m tired of losing friends
• I’m tired of fighting
• I’m tired of being lied to
• I’m tired of drama
• I’m tired of crying
• I’m tired of never being happy
• I’m tired of trying so hard, and have it be one sided
• I’m tired of being bitter
• I’m tired of being used.
• I’m tired of not sleeping.
• I’m tired of missing people
• I’m tired of hiding my feelings.
• I’m tired of missing you.
• I’m tired of trying.
• Im tired of being tired .

Sometimes I want to say something like this You suck, Your mean inconsderate, selfish, cruel thoughtless person who doesn’t deserve to be cared for by a person like me . I wish that you couldn’t hurt me anymore. But when I open my mouth it comes out alot softer and sounds like ” its ok I still love you “.

What happened to forgive and forget? I’m mean really. This is all just stupid. Take the joke and move on. Hold me when I’m upset. Wipe my tears. Kiss something if it got hurt. Make me feel like I’m worth a damn. You ask why I put a txt with I’m sorry…………..
It’s cause I feel like I’m making all the mistakes. I feel like I’m making you unhappy. I feel like I’m disappointing you.
When I’m the one thats having withdraws while you’re fine. I’ve never had to do this. Just feeling broken again

 

my rant for the day !! unspoken promises

I don’t do relationships well. I’m always afraid they’re gonna either betray me, or see me for who I really am and it’s not good enough for them. I don’t want someone to be my entire world. I don’t want to be someone’s entire world. I want someone to share my world with without judging me through it all. I want to share their world with them. I hate putting my heart on my sleeve and letting my guard down. It always fucks me over in the end. I can’t be nice without being accused of wanting in their pants or walked all over and if I’m a bitch then I’m afraid I’m gonna miss out on getting to know a super awesome person. I prefer to chill out and take it slow. Idk quite how to do the slow thing I don’t think. But I mean, if you’re getting to know someone, like spending time together, even if you have to say “these specific days we are hanging out” and you’re not out whoring around that’s taking it slow right? And if you’re both willing to put forth the effort it takes to maintain a good, healthy relationship then you should take the next step of putting the title on it, and bringing them around to family bullshit. Right? I am I like, completely unrealistic in how I think “taking it slow” goes? And like, if I were to take it slow with a guy, I’m not saying he can’t or shouldn’t hang out with other girls. But tell them “hey, I’m kinda workin’ on somethin’”. And if you don’t see me that day, text me. Call and tell me goodnight. Let me know you’re thinking of me and I’ll tell you to have a blast and talk to you later. Right. Should it be that way? I don’t fucking get it. Have I been listening to too many Hanson songs and it’s distorted what I’m convinced is out there? I wish not feeling feelings would make me stop thinking about things too. Just sayin’.I’m so very restless. I’m so very confused. I’m so very lost. I don’t like any of those feelings. I WISHwishWISH I could STOP FUCKING CRYING. Will the crying ever stop? Yes, eventually I’m sure I will. Will the pain ever go away? Probably not completely. I’m ok with that, but I’m not okay with how it’s consuming me. How my life has come to this in this way under these circumstances. I just want to be loved without being hurt. I just wanna love without hurting.I tried and am still trying. I’m only one person I don’t wanna be blamed for it all..I don’t wanna be told I don’t care and I didn’t try because I did. I feel like most of the time I’m the only one that did try or still is trying. However, I can only keep repeating this over and over for so long.

It’s incrediable how important someone has become to me. I suppose they are accustom to hearing that from other people . Damn you you spoiled creature !!I can not make you love me by giving myself away like this But I can not be clever or standoffish to you either I care to much You have no Idea how standoffish I can be to people I do not care for. I have made it a art form , But somehow you have broken down my defenses and I am scared because of it . I have no clue what to do with you . I hate second guessing myself my feelings and my desires . I hate the fact that I can lie and hide anything from anyone that I choose to except you . Its like a window into my soul that only you seem to have access to

I think people really need to realize this. I’ve been hearing a lot about love recently, and it seems like people have really skewed views on what love is. And this is what I must say: love isn’t this fairytale thing that everyone seems to be obsessed with finding. There is no “love at first sight”, and there is no “Prince Charming”, and honestly if you believe in those things, I don’t think you’re ready for love.

Because real love is hard. It’s years and months and days of learning how to be together. It’s sweat, tears, and arguments and it isn’t always going to be pretty. It’s growing beyond those fights and learning how to compromise. Love is when someone pushes you beyond what you believe you can be. It’s when you wake up, and your significant other isn’t just someone you feel happy about—real love is when you wake up, and they are as much a part of you as you are of yourself. Love isn’t a competition, or a comparison of who does more for the other. It’s about wanting to help your significant other because you care. Real love will make you sad, it will make you cry, but it’s love. What did you expect? Of course you’re going to have to fight for it.

If one bad experience is enough to make you doubt love, then you really don’t understand love. Because love is the most beautiful thing in all of humanity. It will challenge you, push you to grow, but in the end, it’ll all be worth it because it’s real.

trust

That overwhelming moment when you realize you NEED someone in your life.

Followed by that other moment (usually), where they decide they don’t really want YOU in their life.I hate that I get so attached to people so quickly. I constantly want to talk to them, know how they’re doing, make them happy, see them smile. I always worry if I should give them space, and when I do, I become distant. I don’t want to be. But it happens. I don’t want to get used to them being there because there is that chance they’ll get tired, or annoyed and leave. Or one day we’ll stop talking and I’ll wonder where I went wrong, or what I did to cause it .

People are layers and layers of secrets yo think you know everything about someone and then you discover something new . Something that they buried or kept hidden from you deep inside thier heart You will never really know someone but you have to decide that you trust them . I rarely trust I just could never open myself up to someone to completly reveal myself to them . But recently I have realized that my list has grown alot in a the past year . about the time I decided to stop pretending to be someone I am not and started being someone thta makes me happy and someone I am proud to be .

it is no coincidence that during moments of overwhelming emotion, we feel as if we have lost our language. it is then that we realize that there are not words for everything. that’s the thing about feeling, sometimes it can only be truly felt. emotion isn’t something to study and prepare for. it cannot be anticipated or predicted. it is an unstoppable freight train that ceases for no obstruction. the harder you fight it, the deeper the wound.

nonetheless, talking helps. although we will never be able to fully convey to another what we are feeling, our brains are organic vents that need to be released. a refusal to acknowledge what we feel, only leads to an inevitable rupture. like a volcano, really. you can play hide and seek for as long as you want, you’ll either be caught, or you’ll eventually give up.

but who can we talk to? if there is one thing in my life that has caused me sleepless nights, countless problems, and lost relationships, it’s knowing who to trust. no one is 100% trustworthy or honest. not a soul. as perfection is an imperfect idea, we are imperfect beings. i wish i had a solution to this problem. i wish i could even somehow explain how i’ve gone about trusting others with my deepest, darkest thoughts, but i have no answer. i still struggle with this. people change so frequently, and when distance grows between people, so does doubt. the best you can do is guess and check, and when you guess wrong, move on and find the courage to guess again.

people will forget, that’s what they do best.

900 words 1 feeling

I can’t help but think that somewhere inside of you, i’m there. Somewhere between liking me and loving me and everything in the middle you got scared. The tingling and the butterflies terrified you. You didn’t know what could and couldn’t happen. I don’t think you can run away from that feeling forever. I think you’re just going to eventually have to be okay with the fact that I make your stomach flip and your heart skip. Eventually you’ll realize it’s the best feeling in the world.I am  moving  on and I feel sorry for you because I thought you were the most amazing boy ever. If I could have any guy in the world, I would have picked you above all the others. I  thought you were different, I was wrong. You’re just another guy to me now

Most people understand and know the feeling of being played. Being played by a boy you would do anything for. A boy that you love a lot. A boy that makes you smile just by texting you “hey.” A boy that you had something with. A boy that constantly made you laugh and smile. A boy that stopped texting you one day. A boy that started ignoring you, acting like he didn’t know you, and acting like you never had something. Most girls know that feeling. Most girls wish they could give that boy up. Most girls can’t give that boy up, and never will.I was  so scared that I was  going to fall in love with you. You say things that make my heart beat so hard I think it tries to make an escape for you. You say things that linger in my mind constantly, floating around my ever crowded head. But to you I am a no one, just a girl who happens to have appeared and shaken up your world slightly. Your feelings for me do not extend past your penis, you probably don’t even think about me at all. And I told you I hated you, and you told me that I could never hate you. And you were right. Everything you’ve said about me, every opinion has been right. My heart is yours; I just wish my head had consented to this exchange a little better.I feel comfortable around you. When I was with you, I didn’t have to be perfect. I didn’t even have to try for perfect. You already knew all my secrets. The things I kept hidden from everyone else. So I was able to finally just be myself. Which probably shouldn’t have been such a big deal. But it was..I’m the girl that prefers one rose instead of a dozen. I’m the girl who would rather stay in on a Friday night than go to a wild party with random strangers. I’m the girl who wouldn’t make you wait on her hand and foot, but would do anything to make you happy. I’m the girl who would enjoy a movie night rather than going to some fancy restaurant. I’m the girl who would rather stay up all night sharing secrets than going out and getting drunk. I’m the girl who won’t make you hold her bags, but would rather hold your hand instead. I’m the girl who will love you more than you could possible dream of. I’m the girl who would give the world to see you smile.Basically, I wish that you loved me. I wish that you needed me. I wish that you knew when I said two sugar, I actually meant three. I wish that without me your heart would break. I wish that without me you’d be spending the rest of your nights awake. I wish that without me you couldn’t eat. I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

No, I’m not a bitch. I’ve just been through a few things, seen a few things been there and done that. Yes, I guess I’m cold now. But only because I once gave a damn about someone who didn’t give a damn about me. I’ve built a wall around myself, to protect my heart from more hurt and damage. I won’t believe you if you tell me you’re different. Unless you stick around and prove it. Words no longer mean a thing. Your actions are everything. I don’t usually get attached. I don’t want a relationship unless you can prove to me you’re not all the same. No, your words don’t mean shit to me. No, I don’t trust you. No, I don’t believe you. Promises are nothing but empty words to me. I know I’m not your one and only so don’t tell me I am. No, my smile doesn’t make your day. No, my laughter isn’t music to your ears. No, I’m not too good to be true so start with the truth. If I’m what you want, tell me why and tell me often. Tell me you love me, but only if you mean it.

Don’t talk to me because you’re “bored.” I’m not here to entertain you. And don’t come to me only when you need a favor. I don’t like being used. Just get the fuck away cause I’m not going to be your last resort. I want someone to talk to me because they sincerely want to. Those kind of people are worth my time.