I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.
I used to think certain people in my life were the real deal. That we’d stay tight forever. Now, the older i get, I finally start to realize. In your entire life you can probably count your true friends on one hand. Maybe even one finger. Those are the people you need to cherish. I wouldn’t trade one of them for a hundred of the other kind. I’d ather be completely alone with a bunch of people who aren’t real, people who are just passing time.”
Life’s kinda funny. Looking back, I really thought nothing would go wrong and we’d always understand each other no matter our differences. But it just came to bite me in the ass instead. In fact, we were too different. I tried denying that, tried to cover it up even, and look where it got me. I always thought I was a fool for being so relentless and persistent when it came to the things I want. I thought I wanted you. But in the end, I came to realize that women like me are just so simple-minded and easy to please. More like an idiot when it comes down to silly things like love. I thought I wanted love like that. Flowers, sweeping me off my feet, the sweet talk, romantic dinners, those letters. All for me. I thought I wanted that. But like a fool, things like that can easily blind someone. Especially me. It wasn’t really the person I fell in love with. It was the things he did. I hated myself for it. How selfish can I be right? I mean, shouldn’t that be enough? But it wasn’t. I thought I wanted that kind of love, but I was wrong. In love, It doesn’t matter what they say, or how they look, or what they can do for me. It should always be because of how strongly I feel for the person. Give and Take. But it wasn’t like that. And now I realize that was the reason why everything happened the way it should.
What I realized
The thing about life is that you’re going to get hurt. You’re going to have emotional nights and cry yourself to sleep for hours. You’re going to suffer some kind of heartbreak, some kind of loss. But you will also have those moments where you heal. Those moments are the best. You feel like you smile for the first time again. You feel like you’re alive again. Life just kind of restarts.
He won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.
I may not be looking for a relationship, but trust me, I’m the type of person that saves myself for the best person possible. That’s why I wait. Because I know that when I love, I love really hard. And I don’t want the kind of love that only lasts for a few months. I’m saving myself for something lasting.
B-
I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that you are the only person in this world I can truly say I love. Love, by definition to me, is something not even I can fathom. It’s something I rarely say or even something I’m scared to feel. But I felt it with you. An emotion so strong that it drove me senseless. I felt as if I was carrying this heavy load in my heart – a crazy desire you may call it – just to be with you.
But I had to hide this strong desire – this overwhelming want – I was ready. I knew I wanted you. But I couldn’t. I shouldn’t. I looked at all the possibilities and there were always traces of wrong that persuaded me my feelings would never reach you. That there was always someone else that occupied your heart. You had someone. I was okay with it. Surprisingly, I was okay with anonymously loving you from a distance. Admiring you from afar. And even more surprisingly, it felt as if my feelings only grew stronger by the day. That this secrecy kept me wanting more. Craving for an answer than I knew I would never receive.
Yet with all the times I tried to build up the courage to go all out and express my hopelessly irrational love for you, I lowkey force myself to think of reasons why I should stop. Why I would get denied. I tell myself that I’m wrong for giving my heart to someone who was already hopelessly in love with someone else. But no matter how hard I try, one look from you and I fall even deeper. One smile, and I’m back to day one.
The best thing to do is to let go. It’s hard, but it’s okay. You can’t keep forcing yourself to hold on hoping that he’s going to come back. Because at the end of the day, you’re just going to realize he’s not. And that’s going to hurt even more. You tried your best. But always remember that there are certain things in life that’s meant to happen. If having you without his life makes him happy, then why would you settle for someone who sees you that way? Don’t. You deserve better. People do come and go. Just be strong enough to realize when it’s time to let go. It’s okay.
fallenangelsbrokenhearts 