I do not know what to do anymore . I am not sure what is happening to me .. HI guys I know its been a awhile since I posted anything on this blog and I am truly sorry for it . I think last time I posted I was actually in a relationship with what I thought was a great guy . Someone who I felt actually cared for me and wanted to be with me well that ended. He is now back with his ex-wife and son. I am walking around in a daze its been 2 months and I am still I don’t know what . I am angry at him and her and my ex because well honestly they are the cause of all this . Why is no one allowed to be happy ? I was happy I thought we where happy and then the ex’s entered into it . His ex did all types of dastardly deeds to make his life miserable including keeping his son from him to hurt him . She called him names she spread rumors all over town about him yet he went back to her . She made my life all types of hell as well going to my ex and them working together to complete what I like to call Project Deena and Mark Break up. I am angry at him because he allowed her to do this . I am angry because he said all the right things and all the things I wanted and needed to hear and the sad part was I was actually happy and I allowed myself to feel for him . I am also angry at the ex’s because well they couldn’t leave us alone . My ex was always having a kid crisis the final straw was he threatened to kill himself if I did not come back to him and I did nothing except go get my kids and I was told by mark it was cold and heartless . Why ? Because I was tired of his games I wanted no more part of it . I am angry at my ex because he had his chance and he blew it he didn’t and in my opinion still does not want me he just doesn’t want ANYONE else to have me a form of abuse I have lived with for years .. I am angry at myself because I believed it . I believed that someone could actually love me that someone actually could like me for me . That I was all the things mark said I was . I was Beautiful I was smart I was everything to him I was important and to know now that he was using me that he didn’t feel that way that he was just I don’t know bidding time hurts more than I have ever been hurt . I am angry at me for loving someone and actually believing that they loved me only to find out when the going got rough and things got bad he didn’t really love me and he really didn’t care . The anger of knowing that I never mattered that I was nothing but someone to use to get out and get a place to live and use hurts so fucking bad . But here is the thing I don’t know that its only how I feel why ? because Mark will not talk to me he will not have anything to do with me . I am being told by some of his “friends” its because he is ashamed of what he did to me he feels guilty because he didn’t mean to have feelings for me and that he does not have the nerve to face me and see the damage he has caused the heartbreak he made . Why am I always getting punished for caring ? why does my heart seem to be broken so much ? why do I care so much ? What the hell is wrong with me ? am I doomed to a life of one sided love ? of hurt ? of pain ? of humiliation ? What have I done to deserve to b played like a fool ? to be hurt over and over again by men who like to play games with my heart ? when will I ever find someone who loves me for me ? Should I quit ? just live a life of solitude ? give up all together ? other ?’s I have is why ? Was me caring for mark that horrible? Was it that bad to have me care for him ? to want to make him happy and see him happy ? why after all she did said and acted did he go back to her ? what other then their son made him go back to what he himself called a life of hell ? Was I really that bad ? And what did I do that was so terriable ? What did I do to casue him to want to go back to a life he himself claimed to be miserable in for 6 yrs ? I want answers !! I deserve answers !! I gave him a part of me and he threw it away and I want to know why ? Doesn’t mean I want him back I just want to know why ?
Category Archives: Horror
Pleasure is good. And twice as much pleasure is better. That pain is bad. And no pain is better. But the reality is different.
He is afraid to get attached . Who isn’t ? I understand the hurt he felt the pain that was caused the emptiness inside when she turned her back on him . I get all that and I said I would understand and I would be his friend until he wants more . Who hurt you… And how??? You can’t give up on it all, not now. Love is not for you, yea I feel the same way. But can we continue to live thinking that that’s okay. Laying alone, or with some random person each night. Fooling ourselves into thinking this shit is alright. Honestly we’re afraid, afraid to get fucked again. By that one person that we called our lover, our best friend. Yes it’s hard to give it all away to one special soul. Who knows what they’ll do to our heart “hold on tight and never let go?” I would like if u would take my hand and follow me on this journey. I promise I won’t do u wrong just make sure u don’t hurt me. Where we go from here, who knows, but guess what we have each other.
I have trusted only to have them go and abuse the trust that I gave them, I have opened up and gotten close to a guy only to have him get bored and leave when he felt like it, to him I was only an option and it hurt me because I had invested so much time & effort into getting to know this special guy, I developed feelings, but in the end that kindness and trust led me to be taken advantage of. This guy said one thing to make me believe he was interested which made her feel like she could finally let down the walls around her precious heart, but little did she know he was merely playing me for a fool and that his intentions weren’t honest. With that being said, guys when I trust you and opens up to you then don’t take advantage of that because you don’t even know how hard it was for me to finally let my barriers down and trust you, love you, and be myself around you.I have started to trust less, my walls began to come up, that perception of “Love” for me has started to change, I associated love with pain because that’s what always happened to me in the end. It’s hard for me to open up to a guy because it makes me seem vulnerable and I hate that because I don’t want to be put in that position where I am going to get hurt again. To be honest I am just tired of being let down over and over again, tired of being replaced when he found someone better then me, tired of becoming the option & with each heartbreak adding on to that pain, it just makes it harder and harder for me to fall again, it makes it hard for me to associate love with actual “Happiness”….
You tell me you care
Now show it, thing is I have had many people tell me that they care and then just end up walking away and not be there for me when I needed them the most. So, if you genuinely care about me I need to see it, you need to be there for me, take the time to try and listen to me, try to understand what I am is going through and instead of judging my decisions , try to see the situation from my perspective. When I know that you care it makes me happy because whatever I may be going through, I knows that I am not alone in it.
We often mistake sex for romance . We are looking for someone to accept us for what we are and who we are only to be told repeatedly we are not good enough . not sexy enough not skinny enough not funny enough never enough maybe someone is not as cruel as to come out and say it but to leave you for someone with no explanation of why ? to tell someone that you are not looking for a relationship but then tell them that you have to stop seeing them because you met someone is all telling someone else that THEY where not good enough and the way things look you will probably never be good enough . He will never love me like I love him . and I will never love him like he loves me a vicious cycle at what point do we say enough ? Why can we not look at someone who loves you and say you know what maybe I can learn to love them? I mean he loves me ? He cares for me he wants to be with me broken and all , He wants me . WHy can’t I want him back ? why do I want someone who is not interested in me . To the guy I like hell like alot ( notice I no longer use the word love) to him I am someone he talks to when he finds time or when he is bored . I am back to being that toy on the shelf only played with when everyone else is busy . I have been that for to many years . Why can’t someone liking me be enough ? Why am I so damn picky? why do I want something that after a year I am NEVER going to have ? Sex use to be so damn easy . I could do it with anyone hell I could do it with myself with batteries . Romance was a dream I wanted and needed no part of . Romance was a fairy tale and I was never a princess . So Why now ? what changed ? I know desire romance I want to hear someone misses me someone needs me someone desires me . the hottest thing to me has been to hear someone tell me that when they pleasure themselves its me they think of its me they dream about but now I want it to be true !! What the fuck is wrong with me ?????
I will never understand why the ones with the biggest hearts are the ones always treated like shit .
Before you i was impenetrable nothing could touch me the next minute my heart was somehow beating outside of my chest exposed to the elements Loving you has been the most profound, intense and painful experience of my life. In fact it’s been almost too much to bear When I flash forward my heart breaks mostly because I can’t imagine you speaking of me with any sort of pride. I’m a child in a woman’s body. I care for nothing and everything at the same time. Noble in thought weak in action. Something has to change. Something has to give.
I feel sad because I realized last night that once people are broken in certain ways they can never be fixed . and this is something nobody bothered to tell me before . it never fails to surprise me as I grow older I watch people that I care about break one by one and I wait for it to happen to me but then I think what if it already has happened ? what if I am broken and can not be fixed ? what if I finally find the love of a lifetime and they look at me with all my baggage and say ” nope ! to much damage has been done” they turn and they walk away . Fact is we need to face the facts we have all changed . We ave all gone in our own directions . Hearts have been broken friendships fucked over . New loves started and new people came into our lives . People we thought we could never live without suddenly become people we can live without and do everyday . We no longer hang out in the circle of friends whom we thought we would be with ” FOREVER” We no longer talk for hours on end about nothing at all . We have all changed in some way some for the better some for the worse .
I want no scratch that I need someone to love me as hard as I hate myself .. if that a impossible dream ? am I asking for to much ? What do you do when your good in not good enough ? what happened when you hate yourself for hating yourself and you are tired of being tired ? I have been taught time and time again that my best will never be good enough for some people . I am afraid to love someone for fear that they will not love me back . You’ll never understand why I hurt so much because you’re not the one who is crying, you’re not the one who is left behind, you’re not the one who loved too much, and you’re not the one who is holding on to someone who is gone.
There comes a point where I miss someone so much that I can hear their voice echo in my head. And I can hear the names that they used to call me, the words they used to tell me. I memorized their laugh, their smile, & their silly ways. I can also feel their arms around me & I don’t want to let go even though I know it’s just an illusion. Every time my phone rings, I smile because it’s them that’s calling. Every time I hear their name, my heart beats 100 times faster and sometimes, I can’t even breathe. I knew that looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew that looking back on the laughs would also make me cry. All I want is to go back in time. Not to the time that we first met, to the time that we were known as nothing, but strangers. But no matter what, I am in denial. I hide my feeling so no one would know. I put on a fake smile and don’t let a single tear break through. I am so used to hiding my feelings that I don’t even realize the pain I am causing for myself. My thoughts become invisible. It’s still there, but no ones knows. Like a love letter I didn’t slow. And I am hurting no one but myself. Because he has been a major part of your life, of course I will miss him; it’s perfectly normal. It’s like getting a tooth pulled out; after the dentist pulls it out you’re relieved. But how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was? Probably a hundred times a day.Just because it was hurting you does not mean you don’t notice it. It leaves a gap, & sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It’s going to take awhile, but it takes time. Should you have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing you pain. Pulling the tooth was the right decision, but it’s going to hurt,I began to cry; just crying. The deep and ugly kind, the kind you lose yourself in, though I am thanking God that no one has to see how rubbed and blotched my face becomes. Though some detached part of me also wishes there was someone there to see you now, to see and understand just how sad you are at heart. They don’t see it, and of course, you would never show them that side of you.
wanting to know …
Sometimes no matter how hard you try, there’s just too much against you.
Sometimes no matter how many people are with you, you feel like you’re all on your own.
Sometimes “I love you” is all you want to hear, but it goes unsaid.
But we always have our hope, everyone should keep that at heart, there’s always a way back to the top when you’re at rock bottom.
I don’t know why, but lately I’ve become obsessed with wanting to know what’s gonna happen in my life, what direction it’s gonna take.
I’m not satisfied with just waiting for everything to happen, and come together. Yep, impatient Deena strikes again. wanna know where this year is gonna take me. Like last year i would have loved to know what was in store, would have prevented so much crap that went on.Imagine if someone walked up to you, and just told you everything thats going to happen to you over the next few years? I don’t know if the majority of people would like it, or hate it? But at this stage I think I want to know. It’s completely contradicting my normal view on things, but for once I wanna be prepared. I’m the most unprepared person, when it comes to EVERYTHING! And I just want things to be different
Like people I’ve met that have turned out to be completely not what they seemed? I could have avoided all that, and saved myself a little hardship? If you’d even call it that. If I just knew what was coming in advance.
I could see the results of my own mistakes, and know not to make them, and I could just I dunno, I think I’d find it easier to breathe.
There’s nothing I want more than that whole “perfect life”. But since college started I just went a bit crazy and lived in the moment a bit too much?
I’m over that now, and I wanna play things safe for a while. Be happier. I have who i need in my life. And the whole being crazy thing is becoming less appealing by the day. This probably makes no sense to you reading this. You see, I know exactly what I’m talking about, but i cant bring myself to say it, which is pathetic enough in itself.Apologies! But i think with the end of the semester, its the end of my little crazy chapter. Its all finito now, i just wanna be happy now.. Not temporarily happy, like a constant. No more craziness! I just wanna have a more predictable life, I’m not sure if that’s the right word! But I’m sick of pretending, and hiding everything out of fear, i just want everything to be simple again. No more complications. I want things to be out in the open. Imagine how much easier that would be for everyone? Think about your life? Imagine it with no secrets, things would be a hell of a lot easier, for all involved.
This blog has changed from one topic, completely to another. I think it’s the painkillers. Sorry guys. I cannot for a second imagine anyone’s gonna like this blog, but oh well. Gonna post it anyways, be a rebel! It’s nice to vent!
Like literally the world is seeming more fucked up by the second, cannot get out of this rut, and can’t even sleep to make it go the fuck away.
I need to vent, so i’m going to vent the crap out of this mind frame, i know thats all that’ll make it go away, because right now, it’s making me feel sick.
I dunno, I guess this is part of life like, but honestly, i do not need bs right now.
This summer i worked hard to filter all that out of my life, and now it feels like it’s getting its creepy little disgusting claws back in the door of my life.
I can’t let that happen!
For the first time in a long time i’m actually content, not happy, but content with where my life is going like, all optimism aside i think i’m doing pretty well, but this week has just been so SHIT.
It’s like, crazy! Like there was so many good times this week, but right now, all i can comprehend are the times where i was just like, i dunno, down and out.
Which is so STUPID and it’s completely the opposite to what i stride to do on a day to day basis, it goes against my whole “good outweighs evil” theory. Like i need to get out of this, it’s just BLAH.
Like there’s some people i just can’t be dealing with anymore, seriously, just like, oh my god. Them people know this pretty well so it’s okay now, but like, even still, jesus christ i dunno why this week it seems to be constantly on my mind!
The purpose of sucking all the snake venom out of a bite is so it can’t damage you anymore, like it cannot ever hurt you again, but it seems like even though i done that, i think there’s still some venom creeping around, and that venom needs to literally LEAVE. Like right now.
In my opinion, the best type of magic is love. Love is what keeps families strong when times are really tough. Love is what you feel when you hug your best friend for the first time in ages. Love is what you feel when you’re completely proud of someone. Love is what you feel when you respect someone to the highest, and aspire to be like them, like your parents, or an idol, anyone.
Love is magic. Magic is love.
what comes around goes around .
I just wanted to let you know that I’m thankful to have met you. Regardless of whether you’re there for me or not, I’m thankful to have someone like you in my life. As much as I would like to dislike you its pretty difficult to do so. No matter how many times you’ve walked in and out of my life I’ll always be thankful for having you in my life. It’s out of place to say this but I love you take it as it is.
up until now I still wonder of all the girls you’ve met and will meet why would you choose someone like me? And of all the guys I’ve met and will meet why did i choose you? We’ll never really know the answer but I thank God for making you a part of my life. I would not say that it’ll be forever because I know nothing lasts that long but I am praying that ‘til the rest of our lives we’ll be together. 🙂
I met you and you met me. We never expected something like this will happen. I was busy with my own life and so are you then one night who would’ve thought that destiny will play its trick on us.
I would not say that I know you so well because I don’t, but still we’re trying to get to know each other and become a little closer.. despite the distance.
I never thought that I will love again after all the heart break and pain due to past relationships that’s why I thank you for making me believe that LOVE is still there in my heart
.
i really thought about stopping this blog.
does it matter? do i still care? will this make any sense?
when i ask myself those questions one word always comes to my mind.
NO.
It doesn’t matter. I don’t care anymore. It doesn’t make any sense.
So why did i continue making this? Just Because.
Friends to Lovers then back to friends. Is this possible? the answer is YES.
Once you fully accepted and moved on, when there is no more bitterness in your heart, when you finally found someone who gives you what you deserve IT IS POSSIBLE.
Pretensions while in a relationship is unhealthy and so is cheating.
If you have that kind right now, let me advice you to LET IT GO because sooner or later you will realize it is not worth it.
I always believe that BEST relationships is not about the quantity but the QUALITY.
I hope you found the other half of your life.
Don’t worry I’ll find mine but I’m not in a hurry.
In God’s perfect time, someone will come and sweep me off of my feet.
but until you tell me otherwise I will say this to you
No, I would not settle for less… that’s why i chose to be with you.
I’m tired of asking “what if” questions that make my head hurt.
So I’ve decided to “take risks, give chances”.
Who cares if I fall.. At least I tried and give my all.
You maybe ready, you maybe not..
But for you, I will give my best shot. For you, I will give everything I got.
I can’t promise you perfection,Cause that is not who I am.I can’t promise you forever,Cause I don’t hold fate within my hands.I can’t promise you the sunshine,Because I know there will be rain.I can’t promise you complete happiness,Cause with true love, there comes pain.I can’t promise to always smile,Cause life always has a way to make me cry.I can’t promise to always stand strong,Cause it’s never easy to want to give life another try.
They tell you they hope all your dreams come true what they forget to tell you is Nightmares are dreams too
The nightmares have started again . It has been months since having one but its surprising how easily the fear and the unknown quickly begin to feel familiar again . I have been plagued with insomnia since I can remember . Sleepless nights tossing and turning up and down but the nightmares they didn’t start until I was 16. I suppose what I went through its accepted and even expected but they had stopped for a while for a few months they had actually gone away . I welcomed the dark for a short while I was no longer afraid of what closing my eyes would bring for a few months anyway . But I can say they are back full force and have picked up right where they left off now . Welcome back unwelcome friend..
Sometimes, I have dreams that I wish could be erased completely from my memory. Ironically, these are the only dreams I remember in the long-term. I guess that makes sense though. They are the dreams that cause my heart to skip a beat with relief when I finally wake up and realize – wow, crazy dream. Most of my dreams are more like nightmares.
Have you ever dreamed vividly about someone random and then seen them the next day? You might even make eye contact with them. Then you freeze up because, for a split second, you think they can read your mind. I hate that feeling. Like I’ve been exposed and there’s nowhere to run.
I’m scared that one day, all my secrets will overpower my body and they’ll have no place to go but out. I could never let that happen though. Embarrassment mostly. Vulnerability too. Sometimes, it’s just easier to wear a mask and hope for the best.
But most of us do that anyway.
it was just so damn terrifying that I even broke down in tears. I was leaning against my pillow , and I could still feel the wet fabric. I’ve have not experienced something like this in a long time . This pain in my chest and the gasping whilst crying it breaks my heart that the dream felt so real, how I hear voices & quiet whispers surrounding the house, even though I know there is nobody here, except me and my family. I even took the courage to get out of bed and check all the rooms in our house, just in case there would be someone/something that could hurt my family.
I found myself in a cheap hotel room with two twin beds, lying on the floor. Chop was drawing pictures on my stomach with a knife while I asked him why, how he’d changed into this monster. There was blood running across the floor into a black hole in the middle of the room. That’s when I saw the terrifying, grey child-like creatures in the darkness. One of them flew across the room, toward me. I grabbed it by the neck. The other latched onto my wrist with its saw-like teeth. I could feel it. I could feel everything. But most of all, I felt betrayed.
Everyone has that secret that they hide and hide immensely. No, not the one you don’t say because people are stupid and ignorant about the world. The one about the experience. The one that changed your life and it can never be the same. Maybe you haven’t experienced it yet. I have had four of these experiences. When you have one, you will know. Two of them I have been able to cope with and talk to people about. One of them I have only ever told one other person, they know who they are. (No not the one I don’t tell because people are stupid, the one about when I was younger). That leaves just one, and this one is truly a deepest darkest secret that I have never told anybody. It is the saddest part of my life and simply thinking about it makes me, , cry and break down. When you discover your secret it will change you. It will be the experience that makes you consider the world to be the way it is, to make you have your opinions, and to make you understand how the world works.
If I tell you I love you can I keep you forever ??
I used to think love didn’t exist, that everything I read was fantasies, lies, that romance was a waste of time, that nobody could make me blush, that I wasn’t going to find anyone that I wanted to see everyday; to hold on to, to breathe in their scent. Until I met him.
It was strange. , I was lonely, I was bored, he was the first person where I’ve felt my body flush with excitement. I don’t regret it, it was supposed to happen.
I wanted more. I wanted him to be mine. I wanted him to take me, not allow anyone to have a chance with me, I wanted him. He on the other hand, wanted something casual. Didn’t want a commitment. I need to break it off, it is sickening this need, this hunger I have for him. I am head over heels. Unable to feel normal, the way I felt before I met him. It was just him, him, him. All I need, wanted, just him.
The way he smirked when I got awkward, the way he kissed my cheek, pausing for a couple seconds, then pulling away, looking into my eyes. In moments when I would talk too much & he would kiss me, taking my breath away. Sitting in silence, comfortable, knowing that was where I wanted to be. As we would drive, he would place his hand on my thigh, it felt like I was burning underneath my jeans where his hand was placed. I miss him. I miss wasting time with him, just laying around. afraid to give myself to him, knowing if I do that he might leave. For isn’t that what they want? I can’t know. as trivial and stupid as that is, it does bug me, why? What is he hiding?
I was devastated, once again in this void of sadness. So I forgot about him, or tried to, dated, but nobody was good enough. None of them were HIM.
What can I do? I give in. I feel like that stupid girl, weak, defenseless. Trust me I am anything but that, except for when I’m around him. . Still scared. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never felt like this before, is it love? I don’t know. How can we know if it is? All I know is that when I see him I feel as if everything will be okay, I feel safe, I feel calm. After we part I feel on top of the world, as if I can do anything. He still wants to see me, seems to be putting in more effort. Why? What does he possibly want from me?. I don’t understand. It’s almost been a year of this tug-o-war. How can I let him know I want him without scaring him off? How do I show him I care about him without being ‘clingy’?
I still want him, nobody else.
Sometimes, I wish for change. Sometimes I wish that men would be nicer and that women could make up their minds about what they what once in a while. Sometimes I wish that he will come back to me and love me again. Most times I don’t. Wish for that, I mean. Because I know now that I miss something that no longer exists. Something that disappeared a few months back and that probably won’t find it’s way back anytime soon.Other people have started to notice too. Asked me about it. Come to me with their questions hoping that I have answers. Most time I don’t. He is gone,Not literally speaking of course,he is taken now. By other things. Better things, according to him. Worse things, according to everybody else. It all depends on who you ask. His smile has barriers now. Teeth that are not afraid to bite back anymore. His spine has become straighter. His eyes, glowing. And not in that good way but it that bad way that every girl or boy has seen at least once in their lives and that makes them just want to crawl out of their skin and creep up into somebody elses. I don’t know what happened. Most times I don’t. Think I want to know, that is. It just makes me sad to see how the one person that came closer to me than anybody ever has needs help so badly and won’t allow anybody to help him. He won’t even help himself. I know him by heart. I can see his skin starting to peel back and show the virus spreading in his veins. I can see his heart beating in that jagged way as if to say that he no longer wants me to love him anymore. His facial expression when I told him that this was the last time that we were going to see each other for a while the first truth I had seen in months. His guard went down. Lowered itself for a fraction of a second and before I could grasp that second it was gone and his guard went higher. Higher than ever. And that was when I knew. I am going to help him. Because he is the one. He is my soulmate. He is my everything. And I owe it to him. I owe it to us. It is better to have tried and failed than to spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I actually got through to him and helped him find his way back. To me. To him. To life. To us.
human race a huge disappointment ..
I get paranoid sometimes and think that everyone hates me .. My friends say that I am just paranoid and have social anxiety but I think I am just smart enough to know that the truth of the human race is so horrifyingly ugly.
It’s so hard, sometimes, to accept myself. Me with all my, probably imagined, imperfections. I can have a one-second look in the mirror and go out, go dancing and enjoy the night. But I can also stare, searching for something bad on myself. I’m not developed to who I’m gonna be yet. My style and personality are changing everyday. High-waisted skirt and ripped pants hang beside each other in my closet. Every morning I decide who I want to be that day.
I care too much about others opinions. Skinny girls, who are afraid to stand out, piss me off. I’m not really an outsider, but I am not one of them either. Not that I want to, oh I confuse myself so much, why do I even care about their opinions? See, that’s how it works in my head. I now I’m not some random girl without brains, I do care about things, I want to learn, want to know more and I want to develop myself.
Right now, everything is changing. getting to know new people. I’m discovering that old, not-so-good friends are really nice.
Everything is changing each single day. The happenings teach me, guide me and try to help me with my quest. I’m following a bendy road, filled with holes. Trying to find a way to love myself. And I’m on my way now. I’m on my way
Nothing in life is certain, people, places and occurrences come and go. Nothing in this world is permanent. Life is a fleeting moment that reforms in each new passing instant. And while nothing is permanent, we are still effected and moved in unexpected ways. People that you never expected to hold significance in your life, become the ones hardest to forget. They stroll into your life as insignificant as single leaf is to a tree. And in a season or two, they fall, and their loss strikes a surprising pain.
Naked is the only way to describe how the loss of something so presumably insignificant makes you feel. You find that the smallest things throw you into memories that now seem so bittersweet and haunting. Every memory glorified to be almost unworldly perfect, but when you strain hard enough the flawed details surface, and realize your perceived reality is skewed. I can only equate this phenomenon to that of when someone dies. Suddenly their memory is perfect, every flaw vanishes. It’s not that they were perfect in reality, but rather from some reason we torture ourselves by believing their memory is flawless, making their severance nearly impossible and painstakingly difficult.
This same situation holds true when you must muster an agonizing goodbye to someone close who moves to a different country, state, or even city. Their tie becomes almost impossible to cut as you trick yourself into believing every moment with them was much more magical than in reality it was. Their loss strikes a plaguing fear; the fear of forgetting them, and the fear of never finding someone to fill the empty void they left. While your common sense tells you that your void is not permanent, for nothing is, you heart is heavy with the notion that you emptiness is impermeable. It is simply easier to tend to the haunting memories of a past lover than to lend your fractured being someone who could easily, “kick you while you’re down,” so to speak. But what is even more difficult than saying a goodbye is to see the world in someone who sees nothing, to value their life above your own when they value their own at less than the worth of a single penny. To hear the words, “I want to die,” from someone so close feels like a knife plunging right the bottom of your soul. It obliterates every last bit of you, leaving you entirely hallow. Hopelessly all you can do is wish and pray that they find all the things that you have found in them. Hope that they discover why you fell in love with them, why you felt they were worth tearing down your fear of vulnerability for. To deal with a goodbye is hard enough, but deal with the idea that the person you feel so deeply for is suicidal is beyond what any words can describe. And then to be constantly bombarded with the question of how do you feel about so and so leaving is beyond difficult. You want to scream everything that you are feeling. You want to break down and cry and tell them how you are riddled with fear, confusion, and pain, but that’s not what people really want to hear. So you do what is easiest for them and for you and you say that you couldn’t care less, even though it is the furthest thing from the truth.
darkness falls so does my hope !!
“Lying in my bed, feeling absolutely nothing. Seeing absolutely nothing. The feeling of numbness overwhelms me quite often. It’s like, everything goes black, and I get depressed. Triggered. Just like that. My
house is not a home, but rather a place for depression to consume my mind; a place for dark thoughts to take over. My bed is NOT a safe haven, but rather a place to self-loathe, a place where I’m slowly killing myself. The thought of death haunts me every night before I go to sleep. Like something I can’t get over like even if I could do something about it I wouldn’t. Not even if it consumed me and that was all I thought about, I wouldn’t stop it I wouldn’t put up a fight I would just let it.most of the time i wish i could just die with out it being a problem. I hate living, i hate breathing, i hate looking at myself in the mirror,and its not that i don’t appreciate life because life is a beautiful thing but i can’t allow myself to enjoy it. Iv been happy before i don’t remember when but i miss it; all i want is to be happy again i want something to numb the pain and erase these thoughts,and i want someone who could love me; but who can love someone who can’t even learn to love them self.Dealing with emotions has never been that easy.When it comes to vulnerability and insecurity,negative feelings invade your mind,and unknowingly you keep sinking instead of raising to the surface, you find comfort in those dark thoughts because you feel you can relate to them.Self harm becomes the loophole to your dark thoughts,but they just don’t heal you…Do they?! You convince yourself there’s no way out,before considering the contrary…You refuse to help yourself because it’s how you choose to view things…It is the mode of living you’ve adopted.
Is there ever a way to feel happiness within oneself instead of looking for it in someone else?Is there a way to make to derive strength from your weakness instead of making someone else the reason to keep going?
I think,the answer will always be Yes.The only question which remains is: Are you willing to fight your own demons?
All the things i have inside
They are slowly fading away
I’m screaming my voice off
The whole world is deaf and dumb
I am in the abyss of my mind
I can feel the cold of my soul
My heart is miscomprehended and confused
I’m drowning back in my old habits
Maybe i wanted this
Maybe it’s all i deserved
But this is my life
Pain is my only feeling
My destiny has lost it track
Maybe it’s time to give up
Fighting seems so worthless
Sunset to sunrise
Morning to midnight
My life is filled with blank pages
I still don’t know where i belong
It’s at times like these when those deep dark thoughts resurface in my mind. The evil monster lurks inside, trying to lash out, through my lips through my eyes through all of me, to consume me forever. I fight hard, but it feels overwhelming. The monster learns fast and attacks me with a stronger hit every time. I’m baffled and getting weaker every time. The voices in my head tell me it’s the only way out, the only way to rid of this horrible, envious, angry, ungrateful, useless monster. Every day, my mind grows closer to believing it, even though the other half strongly disapproves it.
Missing you and wanting you is becoming a beautiful habit of mine.
I patiently wait and wait.. I constantly open my heart out to those I believe won’t hurt me, those who won’t be like all the others.. instead I am wrong. I find myself back where I started. I need to be able to not allow my feelings to fall for people so quickly, all it do is lead to unhappiness. As much as I crave the love and attention from someone it will never be received from anyone around here.
I didn’t know wanting you this much, would be so stressful and honestly confusing.
When I really truly have deep feelings for someone, I think to myself, “I want [Guy’s Name Here] more than I’ve ever wanted anybody in my whole life.” Sometimes that’s true, and sometimes it’s not and I just think it’s true at the time. I think my capacity to want to be with someone has gotten greater the older that I’ve gotten, because the older I get and the more experience I have, the more I realize all the different aspects of really wanting someone, body and soul.
It’s kind of a good feeling, wanting somebody that way. Not to say it’s not heart wrenching and painful as well. There’s just something beautiful about that feeling.
i want someone to tell me it’ll be okay, i want someone to hold me in their arms to make me feel safe, i want someone to look me in the eyes and without me having to say anything or ask me anything they know exactly whats going on, i want someone to see past the fake smile, i want someone to smile at me and for me to smile back and for a split second actually be happy, i want someone to love me, i want someone to love me for me…. what it all comes down to is wanting someone,It’s you I want. I don’t want anyone else, I could careless about every other guy. And for some reason, it feels so hard to shake off this feeling if it weren’t for me being an idiot. you meet them, you become friends, and you tell yourself that if you could just have them for one day, to be able to call them yours for one day, to kiss their lips, hold their hands, or even make love to them..just once, that you’d be okay with that..satisfied rather. But deep down, you KNOW that’s a lie. You would always want more, and you know you’d be worse than you are already, because you know it wouldn’t last..
I know I’m crazy, outspoken, honest, and at times hard to handle, and I can see it scares you but if you gave me a fair shot I could be THE BEST THING YOU EVER HAD.”
I only want someone who tells me “good morning, baby” everyday. To make me feel like I matter to them and who thinks of me daily . I want someone who I can be myself with . That nerdy girl who reads to much watches to much horror and writes truly creepy yet arousing stories . I want someone who will be my superhero when I need one and my clark kent/ bruce wayne when I don’t . Someone who doesn’t think me sitting up all night trying to beat level 25 of Batman Dark asylum is strange and actually grab a controller to help me . Someone who like horror movies and will survive when the zombies take over with me because they will not the mistakes that non-horror lovers make . like running up the stairs ( hello where do you go now?) being the first one outside to investigate a strange noise ( its a freaking noise it can’t hurt you going outside can hurt you ) or the worse mistake ever thinking its not real ( dumbass if you don’t believe you will get killed ) .I Don’t want a prince charming because I am never going to be a princess . I like mud dirt bike riding over horse and carriage and please give me flip flops over glass slippers any day. I want someone who see’s how awesome I am and I don’t have remind them . Who is not afraid to feel for me or to show me that they do .
fallenangelsbrokenhearts 