how to love a girl who doesn’t think she deserves to be loved

Whether we know it or not, we’ve all met some form of the typical “Miss Independent.”

Some of us know her better than others; some of us claim that title ourselves. I am the self-sufficient, somewhat mysterious go-getter with big dreams and an even bigger heart, though not everyone sees it at first glance.

Some might see me as cold and distant, because I needs a significant amount of alone time to keep me from feeling scattered and spread so thin that I disappear. Sure, I have family and friends with whom I  love to spend much of my time, but it’s in my nature to crave those precious hours of solitude—being only with my  thoughts, completely alone in a crowd or in the vastness of a quiet scene.

Some call it antisocial; I call it sanity.

For any or all of these reasons and then some, I have  never thought to have  been the type to “fall in love.” In fact, in any trlationship I have been in , it is  likely one of the most difficult and confusing things I have ever experienced—and I am  not usually one to be deterred. I am so  comfortable with being in control that the thought of surrendering even a little bit to someone else makes me uneasy. There’s also a chance that, despite her outward confidence and undeniable potential for success, I am  extremely insecure.

Or, maybe I am simply afraid of opening herself up enough to be loved.

Whatever the reason, it comes down to the fact that this girl probably doesn’t know how to handle the love that a suitor might want to give me. It doesn’t mean I am a lost cause, it just means that developing any kind of relationship with me will require an approach that’s more sensitive to my overly gaurded  heart.

In an effort to offer some insight, here are a few pointers for learning how to love a girl who doesn’t know how to be loved:

1. Be patient.

Don’t expect her  to feel comfortable with diving headfirst into anything even slightly resembling romance. Keep in mind, it’s probably taken her a great deal of contemplation and courage to even consider spending her time with you. And if she does appear comfortable responding to your first moves, it’s quite possible that she’s actually terrified of what you’ll think of her if she asks to slow things down. So, she just musters the strength to submit herself to the moment, only to spend all night feeling horrible about her dishonesty and inability to step on the brakes. This will freak her out enough to make her sever whatever ties were made and withdraw immediately—something she’s not afraid to do.

To avoid that, let things unfold at a pace that feels natural, which might be slower than what’s considered “normal.” Remember, she’s not used to this, and too much at once will surely send her over the edge. Showing sensitivity to her pace will let her know that she doesn’t have to fear being out of control, causing a miscommunication or feeling the pressure of time.

2. Talk.

Because she spends so much of her time alone and in her head, this girl might be under the impression that her thoughts and opinions are a bit too intense for others. She rarely shares the things on her mind, as she fears that whatever’s in there is so deep and inquisitive that people will think it’s overdramatic, oddly philosophical or just plain weird. She values deep conversation, but feels that she can exercise this pleasure with relatively few people, if any at all.

So talk with her. Let her know that she can say what’s on her mind, and don’t be afraid of her ability to dissect every possible meaning of a theory she’s been hung up on for weeks. If she apologizes for rambling about it, tell her she doesn’t need to be sorry, she doesn’t need to suppress it. Make her feel that although she is certainly unique for having such thoughts, she isn’t crazy or abnormal.

Tell her it makes her all the more beautiful.

And then, give it right back to her. Be sure to engage in her contemplations just as much as you listen; she wants to hear your thoughts more than you realize.

3. Support her.

Part of this girl’s struggle with letting herself be loved could be that she is relentlessly focused on her dreams and goals, so much so that she forgets to make room in her life for other things—like relationships. It’s not something she does intentionally, she’s just extremely determined to achieve whatever she has set out to do.

If she is forced to make a choice between a love life and her goals, she’s already chosen the latter. So don’t make her choose.

And certainly don’t make her feel guilty for not spending more of her time with you as a result—she’ll take that as another sign that she needs to sever the ties, even if they’re stronger at this point.

Instead, support her. If you really love this girl and she really loves you, then she’ll welcome the encouragement. She’ll want to support you, too. Let her; with a heart as passionate as hers, you’ll want her on your team.

4. Don’t be 2 halfs of a whole be two wholes that make an even greater whole.

Remember that this “Miss Independent” is just that—an independent chick with an ability to fend for herself. She might even be afraid of relying on others, no matter how much she trusts them.

Therefore, don’t think of a relationship with her as one that joins two halves together to make a whole; she won’t treat it as such, and she definitely won’t feel comfortable if you do. Rather, see it as two wholes becoming an even greater whole—two individuals who love each other enough to respect the other’s independence and uniqueness.

This includes honoring her need for alone time. She realizes that you are a person with or without her and asks that you see her in the same way. Being able to spend time apart is important to her; she doesn’t want to rely on your presence, nor does she want you to rely on hers.

Don’t try to spend every hour of every day with her unless you want her to feel so bombarded that she tailspins into a mess of tears, word vomit and utter confusion, ending with her breaking it off and swearing to never interact with another human ever again.

But when you are together, be together. Completely. Let her know she is loved until she begins to understand what that feels like, and then keep doing it. If it’s right, she’ll come around. And because she’s loyal by nature, she’ll stick around, too (so don’t give her any reason to think that you won’t).

Truly, I have alot of love to give , even if I am a bit awkward in showing it at first. I just needs time—time to figure things out for myself, to better understand how this works.

Let her figure out that deep down, she just wants to love and be loved—just like everyone else.

If Ibhappens to let you close enough to love me, take it seriously. It means I  trying. It means I want to love you. And remember that helping me learn how to be loved in return is the surest way to win my heart.

This is me deal with it !!

WARNING !! I might be considered obscene because I am not thin and we all know that according to the media only skinny people are allowed to show there tummies and celebrate themselves. Well this post is my way of saying that I will not take it anymore . This is my body not yours MINE !!! Meaning the choices I make about it are none of your fucking business .If my big belly and stretch marks offen…d you then that’s ok . I refuse to hide my body to protect your delicate sensitivities. This post is for the man who told me that I had such a pretty face and if I lost some weight I would be gorgeous. This post is for the ex wives and girlfriends as well as present who call me a fat bitch because he prefers to hang out with me because I am intrested in more then who is fucking who and how my make-up and hair looks . this post is for everyone who talks shit about me because you are to afraid to face your own fucked up life so you try to focus on me . I have a big belly because for a total of 30 months I carried 3 of the coolest, awesomest and most amazing kids on this planet . I have stretch marks because they grew inside my tummy each one I felt every kick every heartbeat and every hiccup they needed room to grow and I gladly gave it to them . This post is for the stupid advertising companies who is selling us cream to get rid of our stretch marks a perfectly normal thing and you make us feel as if we are freaks for having them .. this post is for my daughter Destinee Skittlenzz Nay who is amazing talented and perfect in my eyes no matter her weight . This post is for my sons Cj Nay and Emmett Nay who are the coolest and bestest super hero sons a mom could ever hope for no matter what anyone trys to convince them diffrently. But most of all this post is for me the girl who hated her body so much she took extreme measures to change it a girl who cried for hours becasue she was made to feel as if she was never going to be pretty enough smart enough good enough and yes thin enough .. Who up until recently never felt as is it was ok to be me . I am so over it .. This is me this is who I am DEAL WITH IT !!!

The egg

You were on your way home when you died.

It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.

“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”

“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.

“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”

“Yup,” I said.

“I… I died?”

“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”

“More or less,” I said.

“Are you god?” You asked.

“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”

“My kids… my wife,” you said.

“What about them?”

“Will they be all right?”

“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”

You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”

“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”

“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”

“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”

“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”

You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”

“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”

“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”

“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.

“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”

“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”

“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”

“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”

“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”

“Where you come from?” You said.

“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”

“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”

“So what’s the point of it all?”

“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”

“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.

I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”

“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”

“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”

“Just me? What about everyone else?”

“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”

You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”

“All you. Different incarnations of you.”

“Wait. I’m everyone!?”

“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.

“I’m every human being who ever lived?”

“Or who will ever live, yes.”

“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”

“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.

“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.

“And you’re the millions he killed.”

“I’m Jesus?”

“And you’re everyone who followed him.”

You fell silent.

“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”

You thought for a long time.

“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”

“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”

“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”

“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”

“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”

“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”

And I sent you on your way.

The cell

I’m trapped in a cell a prison of my own making . I see no way out . I feel so close to breaking . The walls are made of sadness, the floors sticky with grief the ceilings are never-ending. I am desperate for relief . The guards are my pain, the locks my lack of sleep . The bars are made of my secrets. I keep them hidden deep . I hide behind fake smiles . My sentence seems unwinding . I’ve lost my sense of worth . I need to find the key . To get back to who I a was . I need to break out of the cycle of hate because if I don’t this is my fate . Trapped in this cell forever . I have to get rid of this pain its now or never

100 rules to live by .. I have admittedly broken a few though

1. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs is not one of them.

2. Never cancel dinner plans or break up with someone by text message.

3. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.

4. If a street performer makes you stop walking, you owe him a buck.

5. Always use ‘we’ when referring to your home team or your government.

6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.

7. Don’t underestimate free throws in a game of ‘horse’.

8. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

9. Don’t dumb it down.

10. You only get one chance to notice a new haircut.

11. If you’re staying more than one night, unpack.

12. Never park in front of a bar.

13. Expect the seat in front of you to recline. Prepare accordingly.

14. Keep a picture of your first fish, first car, and first boy/girlfriend.

15. Hold your heroes to a high standard.

16. A suntan is earned, not bought.

17. Never lie to your doctor.

18. All guns are loaded.

19. Don’t mention sunburns. Believe me, they know.

20. The best way to show thanks is to wear it. Even if it’s only once.

21. Take a vacation of your cell phone, internet, and TV once a year.

22. Don’t fill up on bread, no matter how good.

23. A handshake beats an autograph.

24. Don’t linger in the doorway. In or out.

25. If you choose to go in drag, don’t sell yourself short.

26. If you want to know what makes you unique, sit for a caricature.

27. Never get your hair cut the day of a special event.

28. Be mindful of what comes between you and the Earth. Always buy good shoes, tires, and sheets.

29. Never eat lunch at your desk if you can avoid it.

30. When you’re with new friends, don’t just talk about old friends.

31. Eat lunch with the new kids.

32. When traveling, keep your wits about you.

33. It’s never too late for an apology.

34. Don’t pose with booze.

35. If you have the right of way, take it.

36. You don’t get to choose your own nickname.

37. When you marry someone, remember you marry their entire family.

38. Never push someone off a dock.

39. Under no circumstances should you ask a woman if she’s pregnant.

40. It’s not enough to be proud of your ancestry; live up to it.

41. Don’t make a scene.

42. When giving a thank you speech, short and sweet is best.

43. Know when to ignore the camera.

44. Never gloat.

45. Invest in good luggage.

46. Make time for your mom on your birthday. It’s her special day, too.

47. When opening presents, no one likes a good guesser.

48. Sympathy is a crutch, never fake a limp.

49. Give credit. Take blame.

50. Suck it up every now and again.

51. Never be the last one in the pool.

52. Don’t stare.

53. Address everyone that carries a firearm professionally.

54. Stand up to bullies. You’ll only have to do it once.

55. If you’ve made your point, stop talking.

56. Admit it when you’re wrong.

57. If you offer to help don’t quit until the job is done.

58. Look people in the eye when you thank them.

59. Thank the bus driver.

60. Never answer the phone at the dinner table.

61. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.

62. Know at least one good joke.

63. Don’t boo. Even the ref is somebody’s son.

64. Know how to cook one good meal.

65. Learn to drive a stick shift.

66. Be cool to younger kids. Reputations are built over a lifetime.

67. It’s okay to go to the movies by yourself.

68. Dance with your mother/father.

69. Don’t lose your cool. Especially at work.

70. Always thank the host.

71. If you don’t understand, ask before it’s too late.

72. Know the size of your boy/girlfriend’s clothes.

73. There is nothing wrong with a plain t-shirt.

74. Be a good listener. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk.

75. Keep your word.

76. In college, always sit in the front. You’ll stand out immediately.

77. Carry your mother’s bags. She carried you for nine months.

78. Be patient with airport security. They’re just doing their jobs.

79. Don’t be the talker in a movie.

80. The opposite sex likes people who shower.

81. You are what you do, not what you say.

82. Learn to change a tire.

83. Be kind. Everyone has a hard fight ahead of them.

84. An hour with grandparents is time well spent. Ask for advice when you need it.

85. Don’t litter.

86. If you have a sister, get to know her boyfriend. Your opinion is important.

87. You won’t always be the strongest or the fastest. But you can be the toughest.

88. Never call someone before 9am or after 9pm.

89. Buy the orange properties in Monopoly.

90. Make the little things count.

91. Always wear a bra at work.

92. There is a fine line between looking sultry and slutty. Find it.

93. You’re never too old to need your mom.

94. Ladies, if you make the decision to wear heels on the first date, commit to keeping them on and keeping your trap shut about how much your feet kill.

95. Know the words to your national anthem.

96. Your dance moves might not be the best, but I promise making a fool of yourself is more fun than sitting on the bench alone.

97. Smile at strangers.

98. Make goals.

99. Being old is not dictated by your bedtime.

100. If you have to fight, punch first and punch hard

its alot easire to be angry and someone then to tell them you are hurt .

I’m not sure what to say about myself anymore, mainly because sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore. I used to have a pretty good idea of who I was, but I’ve done things I never would have done which make me reconsider myself and my life. I overthink things and get frustrated extremely easily. I don’t trust anyone, because the past has left me broken and confused. There’s a lot of things I wish I didn’t do, and those I wish I’d done better, but I am me and that’s all I’m ever going to be. I just need you to understand that my life is my own and you have no right to judge my actions or decisions, unless you are me and me only.IT all started so innoccently at first I just wanted you to fuck me then I got greedy and I wanted you to love me . Before you I was never so emotional No one could make me cry and no one made me think so hard but now tears flow like rain from the saddest sky and my frantic thoughts sometimes tear me apart. I had to take a stand ..Malcolm X once said do not condem a person who does not think like you think or does not do what you do because there was once a time that you didn’t know what you wanted . All I can say is it sucks doesn’t it ? feeling like you are a second choice .

and open letter to teenage girls

Open Letter to Teenage Girl Survivors of Sexual Assault
& Those Who Know Them

For Teenage girl survivors of Child sexual abuse and rape:
Are you somebody who has been sexually abused in childhood or more recently? Perhaps
you feel that you are no good, and that what has happened to you is all your fault. Maybe
you’ve decided that there is no point in trying to be different because you have been hurt so
badly regardless of what you did. If you grew up with child sexual abuse, you may have
decided that your only value is sexual, and you may have been used sexually by people who
say they love you and then leave you once they’ve had sex with you. And you’ve found that
people talk about you and call you names – because you’ve had sex, or because you were
raped. Maybe you have a boyfriend who blackmails or forces you into sex, or beats you, or
puts you down in front of his friends, and since others have treated you that way, you see
little wrong with it. Indeed, it may by now seem “normal” for people to treat you abusively.
You may not have connected the way you feel or some of the choices you make with having
been assaulted, and you may feel as if you are a bad person. You are not bad, sister, you
are hurt.
Here are some common effects of sexual assault in teenage girls (see footnote for source):
• A sense of loss of personal integrity – You may feel worthless and ashamed of being
you. People have done things to you and said things to you that made you feel bad
so you “act” bad.
• A sense of Loss of Control – One or more people have done things to you against
your will, so you believe there is no point in trying to control anything in your world.
• Damage to Emerging Sexual Identity – Sexual exploration and curiosity is a natural
part of developing as a young woman. But sexual assault may have caused you to
feel that sexuality and womanhood are bad, and maybe you feel ashamed of your
• Personality changes – Perhaps you have outbursts of anger, and people are asking
why you are suddenly so moody. You may have become withdrawn because you’re
frightened that people can “see” what happened to you, and you want to make yourself “invisible.” You may feel depressed – or you may actually be experiencing
depression. You can get help – please see “Getting Help” below.
• Lowered School performance – You may have stopped trying to achieve anything as
the effort doesn’t seem worth it. Perhaps the sexual assaults are playing on your
mind and emotions so much that you have trouble concentrating.
• Withdrawal from school or social activities – Perhaps you were outgoing, but now
shut yourself in your room. Your friends wonder why they can’t talk to you. You’re in
trouble a lot for truancy. Many girls experience gang-rape or other sexual assault,
and find that other people who know spread the news, saying it was consensual and
calling the survivor terrible names – if this is you, you will naturally be terrified of
going to school.
• Flagrant promiscuous behaviour: Because sexual things have been forced on you,
you may believe that you and your body are of no value, and that you have to give
sex to whoever wants it. If you were raped after saying no – or were otherwise
unable to say no – you may actually be too frightened to say it again, or you might
believe it is pointless. Child sexual abuse may have taught you that you actually
don’t have the right to say no. You may also be seeking to be loved.
• Drug and Alcohol abuse – Perhaps you feel distanced from the pain in your life when
you’ve used drugs or alcohol.
• Eating Disorders – Starving yourself may be a way that you feel you can have some
of the control over your body that rape took from you back. Conversely, overeating
and excessive weight-gain may be a way of trying to protect yourself from being
sexually assaulted again.
• Risk-taking and other self-destructive behaviour: You may believe your life is of little
value, and so you do things that you know are very risky, such as driving with drunk
people, taking drugs, or placing yourself in situations where you may be sexually
assaulted again. You may self-injure as a way of punishing yourself, or because the
physical pain helps dull the emotional pain. Maybe you have sex without protection
from STDs and pregnancy.
• Alienation- Maybe you feel that the dark secrets you keep are things that nobody
else could ever understand. You feel completely alone..
• Super-achieving and trying to be “Good enough” – Perhaps you believe you were
assaulted because you were bad, and you try to be “good enough” to stop it from
happening again. Straining to achieve and be perfect may be a way that you try to
hide your inner sense of shame from the world.Maybe you’ve had nobody to challenge the bad messages about yourself that sexual assault
has given you, and you may feel that nobody cares anyway.
If you’ve paused to read this article, I want to challenge those messages. I want you to
know that I care.
I once felt the way you do. I want you to know you’re not alone, and so I’m going to share
the story of my teen years with you.
I grew up neglected and sexually abused child. Some of the sexual abuse I
experienced was the only affection I ever got, and I believed that having sex with somebody
was the only way to be loved. As well, my self-concept was ruined by other abuse
Consequently by the time I was 13, I changed from a sweet, obliging child who tried to do
all the right things for approval into a little tough who did all the wrong things for approval
of a different kind. I was so desperate to be accepted, I hung with dangerous and damaged
people. Before I even had my first period, I had a sexual encounter with a guy who said he
loved me. He would have sex with me and make me walk home on my own on cold dark
nights – and would not pass a word with me at school the next day. He bullied me into
having oral sex with him in front of his best friend. I was so ashamed, but also afraid to lose
his affection. He consciously used this, and I now know that the shame is his. At some level,
I knew he was using me, but I wanted to believe he loved me. Of course he shot his mouth
off to everybody, and people began to call me names like “slut” – Yet, even after he dumped me and said such terrible
things about me, he would still show up at my home every few weeks, and use me again. I
let him.
What I remember so acutely about this time was the sudden welter of interest from other
guys. There was nothing romantic about it; not the stuff of a teenage girl’s fantasies; it was
obnoxious, disgusting, and as I now know, veered into the criminal. They’d heard I could be
“had”, and they acted as if they were entitled to me. Daily, the abuse ranged from
harassment of the “I’ve heard alllll about you” variety, to name-calling, being spat on, being groped, having fingers shoved in my vagina – I was held down in the science labs while a group of boys felt up my skirt,
shouting with disgust when they discovered I had my period. It was perfectly amazing too,
how many claimed to have had sex with me when they hadn’t been anywhere near me.
I wish that I had known that they weren’t entitled to treat me that way. I truly thought that
if I’d earned the name, I had to suffer the consequences. I cannot convey what it felt like to
truly believe I was worthless, but if you’ve been there – and I’m so sorry if you have – you’ll
understand. By the time I was 16 and had slept with somebody else who said nice words to
me only to be used again, I thought that the business of trading sex for affection wasn’t
working out so well. I didn’t want to do it anymore and resolved to say no. But then I was
raped twice for testing out my new-found determination to say no. The first rapist was
really angry that the likes of me had felt entitled to say no, and didn’t care when I cried, he
just stripped me, raped me and then offered me a ride home. to my 16th birthday party
It felt like there was no escape. And it really felt like it was okay for people to treat me that
way. I knew I could never tell, because people would only affirm that it was my fault. I did
not believe I could tell anybody I had been raped because firstly, I was deeply ashamed,
and second, I didn’t think anybody would believe somebody who had a reputation for being
a “slut”.
The second rapist had been my boyfriend before, and then dumped me. But I accepted a
date to the drive-in with him, and when he got too close, I told him I wanted to go home.
After he raped me, I didn’t menstruate for three months and had my mother drag me off to
the doctor calling me everything she could lay a tongue to. Thankfully, I wasn’t pregnant.
So in my 16th year, there was not a lot I wouldn’t do, and I had had numerous sexual
partners by the time I was 17. It wasn’t just young guys either, but older men, some
It actually felt strange when somebody didn’t want to be sexual with me.
What I mostly felt was irretrievably dirty – all the time. I certainly had a well-established
victim mindset – but I simply didn’t know how to think otherwise. I felt as if there was a
sign on my back, and I now know this is common with many survivors of multiple sexual
Nice girls were warned off me by their parents, which fuelled my sense of dirtiness. One day
I was pursued into a park by eight guys who said they were going to take turns. The
ringleader tried to kiss me; I belted him and ran. I went into a public toilet cubicle and saw
there a girl from school, whose name was also Louise. She was a beautiful blonde girl from
a good home. I was panting and sobbing and she asked what was wrong, but I knew she
would never understand. It was like living behind a wire fence; there was no place in the
world of safety and nice girls for me. I remember how very sad I felt – and then I felt numb.
It was just part of life.
Some people saw good things; the occasional teacher or classmate. But I thought they were
having me on. I couldn’t see what they could see.When I was 15, I got involved with a guy
who beat me up, but again, I thought it was okay. I didn’t much care what happened to me;
I hitch-hiked and took all sorts of risks. I self-injured, drank, smoked and took booze to
Of course I was yet to learn it really wasn’t okay for people to treat me badly, and to become involved at 18 with a partner abuser, but some change did begin.
It took along time to stop the sense of damning shame and dirtiness. I did a lot of healing
around it when I was 26, and became very close friends with my 14 year old self. Despite
these horrors, she was also funny, loyal and kind. She was not bad, she was hurt. She
deserved help, not hate. Nobody was entitled to abuse her, no matter what sort of mark she
wore. She has grown up to be a person who doesn’t like to see anybody degraded.
I am now a university graduate with a wonderful family, great friends.
And now back to you, Teen sister. If you have seen yourself in any of the above, there are
several things I wish I’d known that I want you to know:
• You are not garbage, no matter how many times you have been sexually assaulted
and used. It was not your fault, no matter what the circumstances. Please read this
to understand why it wasn’t your fault.
• Sexual assault causes feelings of shame and dirtiness – this is something many
survivors feel. This is due to long-held – and completely wrong – myths about rape
and sexual assault. In reality, sexual assault is nothing for you to be ashamed of.
The shame belongs to those who have coerced, bullied or forced you into doing
sexual things against your will, It doesn’t matter if you were drunk, dating the rapist
or other – you have nothing to be ashamed of. If somebody shames you by saying
things like “What did you do to deserve it” or “You asked for it”, they are wrong. This
is called Secondary Wounding, and you can read more about that here.
• Even if you think nobody will believe that you were assaulted – or are still being
assaulted – they will. See Getting Help below.
• It does not matter how many people you have had sex with – you ALWAYS have the
right to say no. Nobody is “entitled” to have sex with you or rape you because others
have done so. If you are facing the sort of sexual harassment and assault at school
that I described in my story, it needs to be reported and stopped.
• Sexual and other abuse is not a “normal” way to treat you. It is also not a normal
part of a relationship. It is NOT okay for anybody to hurt you, ever – even if those
who are supposed to care for you call you names and blame you – they are simply
wrong.• When people call you names, that doesn’t make them true. Names like “slut” are
ignorant value-judgments that happen for a number of reasons, perhaps from people
who are either young themselves or who can’t understand your pain. Also, it’s
grossly unfair that it’s girls who cop these names, isn’t it?
• If you are still being sexually assaulted, you deserve for it to be stopped as soon as
possible. Perhaps it is a family member who has been abusing you for along time,or
somebody from your school. There may be more than one person abusing you. You
may be frightened because you’ve been threatened about what may happen if you
tell, or you may be afraid of getting the abuser into trouble. But the person hurting
you is relying on your silence so that they can continue to do so. You DON’T have to
deal with this alone. They can be stopped. Please see Getting Help below.
• Even if you feel there is no hope, there is. With the right help you will one day feel
differently about what you are going through now.
• If you are doing self-destructive things, then please find somebody who can help you
stop. You are worth too much to be lost or to be hurt again. I’m going to make some
suggestions about how to get help, and I hope you’ll reach out to somebody.
Getting Help:
The first step to getting help is to tell somebody. Even if you have told about the sexual
assault/s and were not believed, there are people who will believe you.
If you’ve been raped or sexually assaulted, there are services that help teenagers. Even if it
feels very difficult to discuss, reach out to a counselor who is trained in working with sexual
assault. You won’t be expected to tell them about the assault/s straight away – these
counselors understand that this can be difficult.