All I want is someone to fucking show up

I’m not asking for much—all I want is someone to just fuckin’ show up for me.

This isn’t going to be about how independent of a woman I am, or how self-reliant. This won’t even be about finding my “other half” or being such a fierce feminist that I debate whether I even actually need a man.

Because the truth is—I am fuckin’ tired. Exhausted, really. I’m tired of not having someone just show up for me in the simplest way possible, and the only thing I really want is someone to just be here.

I want someone who can show up in the evening, and stay until morning—but more than that, I just want a life with someone. I want to sit in bed next to my lover on a windy, snowy morning while he reads, as I lay my head against him, letting my dark hair trail over his arm. I want to feel the way his morning stubble tickles the soft skin of my collarbone.

I just want someone to fuckin’ show up for me.

Sex is great, and adventure is better, but life with someone who has your back is the best magic there is.

I want to sit over take-out containers of Chinese food, scroll through Netflix and have nights where our biggest decision is which movie we are going to watch. I want to talk throughout the day about what we will do in the evening, and who’s going to cook.

I want to hear about your plans and your schedule, and I want to spend quiet Saturday nights roaming the market aisles laughing as we collect the ingredients for the meal that we’re going to enjoy later.

I want you to see me in the first morning light, and I want to feel your strong hand slide in between my warm breasts and you nudge yourself even closer to me, meeting me in the moment when dreams and reality collide.I just want someone to fuckin’ show up for me.

Life isn’t all quiet and bliss, but it’s made up of moments of the “in between,” because anyone can smile when the sun is shining—but what I’m after is someone who will give me a reason to dance in the rain.

I want to have someone to take care of me while I’m sick—someone who will stop and pick up medicine and my favorite drink on the way home just because he knows what I need.

And I want to take care of him, even if he never thought he would need it. I want to bring him a cold washcloth when he’s fevered, and run my hand alongside his sweet face as I kiss his forehead letting him know that I will be there no matter what.

I’m done with being alone and pretending that I can somehow find what I want between the distractions and chaos of online  dating and Facebook profile checking, because I’m so over the superficial and way beyond the inconsequential.

What I want is the real deal—not just someone who shows up, but someone who stays.

I want to navigate family holidays and laugh together in the middle of the night when we both can’t sleep. I want to kiss him first thing as he walks through the door and lay my head against his chest as the moon shines overhead.

I want to plan a future with him—vacations, dreams, ambitions and the sacrifices to make them happen. I want someone who I can build with, someone who can sit with me in the quiet and just simply be.

I want a man who I won’t need to explain my every thought to, because somehow he’ll just get it.

I want to bump hips as we navigate my small kitchen, and I want to see the way laugh-lines break out around his eyes as I turn up the music and dance, moving my body alongside his, tempting him to let his desire make the most of this moment.

Because all I’m really after is just someone to fuckin’ show up for me.

Show up when I need someone, when I need help—when I don’t know what I need. Be there without me asking him to be, not because he has to, but because there isn’t anywhere else that he would rather be.

I want to have an emergency contact, not just on the forms we have to fill out, but in life. I want a lifeline—someone who will always be there to help me with the things that evade me. And if something happens, and I find myself stranded on a dark road at midnight after having drinks with friends, I want to know that if I call him, he’ll be grabbing his coat before I even say what’s wrong.

I want to be a priority. I want to be important.

I want to someone worth showing up for.

Sure, we can make this relationship as difficult as all of our others have been—and we can go in and out of intimacy, never really appreciating one another—but all of that wears on a soul like mine.

And the thing is—I’ve had enough.

Because in the end, all of the passion and love in the world don’t really matter if someone can’t show up for the person they say they care about.

But more than that, I know that I’m worth it—I know that I am one helluva woman, and that I deserve someone to show up for me every day in all of the small little ways that people often take for granted, but that end up meaning the most

he evening, and who’s going to cook.

I want to hear about your plans and your schedule, and I want to spend quiet Saturday nights roaming the market aisles laughing as we collect the ingredients for the meal that we’re going to enjoy later.

I want you to see me in the first morning light, and I want to feel your strong hand slide in between my warm breasts and you nudge yourself even closer to me, meeting me in the moment when dreams and reality collide.I want a partner—but more than anything in the world, all I really want is someone to just fuckin’ show up for me—and never leave


Why she stayed ..

In the beginning, it felt wonderful and joyous as they were exploring new things together and she was learning so much about herself.

She remembered the fun they used to have and how fulfilled she was. He was everything she thought she wanted.

Her friends and family used to comment on how happy she was, as if they were envious of the joy she radiated. They wanted it too, or so she thought.

When things started to change, and the feelings began to dissipate, she wondered where she went wrong. She was hopeful that it would come back that strong again.

She was upset with herself, that she was somehow to blame.

She felt that staying showed her commitment and she was worried that she may leave too soon and live to regret it.

She waited for things to get better. She stayed optimistic that things would change.

She questioned many times if she should leave. That was the first sign that she should.

So instead, she looked for signs that she should stay. And sometimes when she looked hard enough, she found them.
She knew, in some ways that she was settling, but still she questioned if there would be anything better.

Besides, it wasn’t terrible and there was still some good left. Others certainly had it worse, she would justify.

She felt some safety in knowing what to expect, as if being comfortable brought happiness. It didn’t.
She had many ways to rationalize why she should stay.

She was scared about what she was giving up, and worried about what she may lose if she left.
But she didn’t consider what it was costing her to stay.

She started to uncover the courage and strength that she knew she always had. She weighed the risks.

Now, she was tired. She was defeated. She was resentful. She had given up her own power and happiness and she knew it was too far-gone.

She spoke to friends and she built up a tribe around her. They supported her. They always did.

She remembered how much potential she had and how the choice to stay was hurting her.

She let go of the guilt and blame that she had done something wrong. She hadn’t.

She finally had enough. She realized that it was no longer serving her. It was making her sad, hurt and frustrated.

She had given until there was nothing left to give. She wanted to smile and laugh again, like she did when it first began.

She knew it was inevitable that she would leave, but she didn’t know when. She didn’t know how. She knew she was stalling.

But she wondered what she was waiting for.

But finally, she left. The sadness became too much, the stress too overwhelming and the hurt enclosed her.

It was time to move on and she had found the strength. She realized that the only one holding her back was herself.

She was terrified of the aftermath. How would she cope? Who would she be without this part of her life that she had held onto for so long?

She picked herself up, she found the courage and she believed in herself. She knew she was strong, she knew she would survive.

She thought back to who she was before she weakened and how amazing and accomplished she was. How she lived her life without fear—she felt joy and passion. She found inspiration in that.

When it was all said and done, it was like a breath of fresh air. And she smiled again. Just like she knew she would.

She survived and she proved her strength. Not to anyone else, but to herself. She became aware of how much she had sacrificed and how unhappy she had been.

Life started to unfold around her and happiness began to pursue her. She didn’t need to reach for it with outstretched arms like she thought.

Happiness found her.

She still holds onto the happy memories, but she decided she deserved to be unconditionally happy. She decided that her life was worth pure bliss and that she didn’t need to rationalize her choices any longer.

For all of the amazing women of the world, may you find the strength and the courage to live the life of joy you are worthy of and finally take that breath of fresh air.

Is it America or is it Merica?

America or Mercia???

I am a mom of a college student, a high schooler and an elementary schooler. My oldest children played in the band in middle school and my oldest even played on the field during a halftime show for high school her 8th grade year. I am  also a college student today a university about an hour away from me had marching band students kneel during the national anthem and the whole state maybe even country are debating is this a behavior we agree with or we disagree with? That about sums it up we have taken our freedoms to believe in what we believe in and turned into a do you like chocolate or vanilla Ice cream cone question. Isn’t one of the great things about living is the U.S.A the freedom to stand up or don’t stand up for what we believe in?  For centuries some American’s have always found some way to protest something that they feel is wrong or injustice. Have you ever heard of the “Boston Tea Party”?

In the mid 1700”s Britain needed to make some fast cash to pay off a few debts they had incurred so the idea came to them to get the new settlers to “help” pay off their debts and put a TAX on Tea. Well Settlers didn’t take to kindly and well we all know what happens Boston + tea tax angry mob= Biggest tea spill done on purpose. Yes we are still after all these years fight for fair taxes etc. it’s not the point it was a protest…

1775 The American Revolution the fight that was in pursuit of life liberty and the pursuit of happiness. When it all started freedom was not the plan but it turned into a fight for freedom.  The declaration of independence was not just written up and everybody agreed the colonist where British loyalist who did not agree to separate from the British it took a lot of compromising and probably a whole lot of wasted   parchment and quills to come to an agreement all could live with.

IN the 1830’s some people felt it was wrong to “OWN” other people or slaves. So the abolition of slavery began. This fight put brother against brother and our great nation was barely hanging together by a strand of thread. I know for a fact that my ancestors where for slavery but that doesn’t mean it was what I believe to be right. That was the beauty of the past 2 acts of protesting we had been giving the freedom to choose what we believed was right or wrong and they fought for that belief.

In 1848 continuing into present day the women’s right movement. Some people felt as if women where not entitled to the same rights and freedoms as men this included the right to vote. But women did not get that right until 1920… 72 years was fought. As of today things are still not completely equal but imagine if someone had not of made some sort of stand where we as women might be. IN the kitchen barefoot pregnant and probably the amount of woman on man spousal abuse would be super high… I jest

I could continue with the civil right movement. The temperance movement otherwise known prohibition. The labor movements or more recently the states’ rights movement which has 28 states are challenging the affordable care act…

But the one that should stick out to so many is the 1965 anti-war movement. While all wars Americans are involved in none have faced the opposition that our involvement with the Vietnam War fight to stop communism. An entire culture was born out of that. The “Hippie’s” protested in hundreds of ways from sit in’s to strikes even taking our beloved stars and stripes and wearing it as clothing or even burning the flag in protest. When cries of outrage came down the fact that this is what all the fighting has been for was thrust out like an answer to everything done wrong.

Honestly weather or not you agree with any of the ways people have protested or will protest something they fear is injustice or wrong in their eyes my father my grandfather fought for their right to do so. You as an American have the freedom to do so. Whatever the reasoning those students kneeled during the playing of the national anthem to be living in America gives them the right to make that choice. Would you have thought any less of them if they had showed their feelings of wrong is a different way? Maybe a riot? A School shooting? A mass Suicide? In today’s evil world taking a knee during our national anthem seems like a peaceful protest choice.

Thinking out loud

I wish someone would do a study to include relationships in which the physical violence is kept to a minimum over a long period of time. The first incident was within the first 3 days of my marriage, the second around year 5, then three and four came within a year of one another and that pattern stayed true. Yet the “other abuses” were constant.

I also wonder about the finding that battered women suffering from BWS/PTSD could over-estimate the severity of subsequent abusive incidents. I am finding that in my new relationship, I will feel very deeply anxious about conversations and emotion-sharing events, in part because I’m waiting for the shoe to drop. I’m anticipating abuse where there is none. My fight or flight reaction is on permanent standby and I overthink things that are said in a helping matter questioning if its criticism or even bullying.

It is Friday night and I am certain that I am going to die soon. My brain moves despite the fact I lie quiet I toss and turn seeking quiet; my body moving away this way then that way hoping it might change the speed of my thoughts, reduce the fear that lies heavy in my chest.
I am really running from certain memories that attack my mind. A violence I can no longer take. There has been enough violence. So I thrust the trauma into a deeper crevice of my mind, but it creeps into my muscles, making me jittery. It creeps into my eyes creating a hyper-awareness and constant need to look over my shoulder. To feel fear It hasn’t always been this way. “It” being existence. “This way” being perplexing. It had once been clearer, but perhaps I lacked awareness. Perhaps I did not yet recognize that existence was nonsensical. Additionally, my particular traumas of being a body caused me a new type of bewilderment — a whirlwind of thoughts attacking my mind all at one time like a group running towards the only exit in a burning building.

The night is still. I toss again  slowly, feeling exhausted. He looks at me with concerned  eyes and asks me what is wrong. I begin to cry. Everything feels over stimulating at this point — the traffic outside, the ceiling fan turning , Medusa  our cat purring at our feet. I can’t focus my attention or think clearly on one single reason why I am crying..

my hands are shaking. He reaches over to touch me in the dark I move quickly to face away from him. I lie in our bed but I can’t find stillness in my mind or body. I am trembling as he rubs my back, telling me to breathe. He eventually falls asleep once I stop crying. But I cannot. The movements of my body become out of control as I seize in our bed. I am concerned that the motion may wake my boyfriend, but he snores softly beside me, grinding his teeth. I don’t feel safe in my own body as I continue to convulse. I only want to fall asleep. My eyes won’t stay closed and I am unable to lie still. I feel my body shake uncontrollably. It feels like a lot of pieces, strands of unexplained things my mind focuses on a happy memory my kids  I fall asleep almost instantly, exhausted. But I wake in an hour feeling anxious. I need to move.The world feels as though it is trembling with the need to communicate. Every sound around me  means something. There is a cosmic relatedness about everything and everybody has the code to crack the meaning of life, love and above all precious sleep but me


The way I feel about friendships part 2

So this is the second installment in my opinion of friendships. Do I believe that being friends with a guy is the best way to go into a relationship? well honestly that depends on who you are trying to be friends with. If you are trying to be friends with someone who I described in part 1 then no matter how hard you try no matter what you do it will not work. It will end in not only a broken heart but a broken friendship. Believe me a broken heart is hard enough to handle but add to it the loss of a friend someone that you talked to daily trusted and sought advice from and its like you have lost a limb as well as a heart.  83% of women polled said they felt it was possiable to be platonic friends with a man but also over half of those women admitted to secertly lusting after that male friend at one point or another of thier relationship.

. Falling too fast doesn’t work

Often people jump into serious relationship quickly and into a bed too without getting to know each other well or at all. It feels great for a short term but it distracts them from really knowing each other on an intimate level. Sex is an expression of intimacy and commitment for each other so it will do well if one works on being friends first. Yes, a short run of “just sex” might very well work for you, but realize that the chances of a committed relationship may not be so great.

Sex isn’t enough

Most couples break up if sex is the main factor in their relationship. A man and the woman have to be compatible and find out if they connect emotionally as well and this is not possible if they are meeting only for sex. Likely the man or woman will find someone who fulfills them outside of the bed sheets as well, and pick them over the occasional booty call. If a connection in the bedroom is great, imagine that with a great guy who you respect and trust too!

Natural progression

In any relationship developing the bond of friendship is very important because it shows that a couple is comfortable and honest with each other. This makes the progression to next level easier and the relationship will be successful because certain quirks or habits that might annoy you in a booty call partner, is actually endearing because you understand where it comes from. Being a friend sets the table and gives a solid opportunity to exchange important information as  likes, dislikes, information about family and friends, pet peeves, favorite vacation spots etc. After that is established, the intimate part is icing on the cake.

Excitement and passion

There is excitement and desire to please the other person when a mutual trust, respect and tolerance for each other is created from a friendship. There is an element of romance and attraction that is absent in casual sex when you come into it with more feelings and emotions attached to the person. When your goal is to please each other you tend to enjoy your time together more which helps solidify a strong, healthy bond.

Better odds

As we live in a time when many relationships seem doomed to end in a revolving door  of partner swapping, few of us hold out much hope of ever celebrating a golden wedding anniversary. That’s why trust is key to the transition from friends to lovers. After all, if trust is established, you’ll be more likely to believe your relationship has a chance of longevity and will feel uplifted with this possibility. Women tend to crave security and with a mutual trust and understanding, a relationship built from a friendship has much better odds of lasting and will therefore comfort her.

You’re good for the long haul

Although sexual attraction is very important to a relationship, unfortunately that drive biologically fades and you are left with more time spent out of the bedroom. In this case, don’t you want to really get along with your partner and be able to look back on what brought you together and how great the courting phase was? It’s important to have a basis of friendship so that you can always fall back on the fact that you two were brought together because of common goals, wants, desires, or interests. If sex is all you’ve ever had to bring you together, a level of resentment can occur if the relationship goes south and there will be very little glue to stick it back together.

Don’t get me wrong I am not saying that a FWB relationship is a bad thing. If you are just getting out of a long term thing and need something to hold you over go for it. Just go into it with no expectations and there will be little to no regrets. (Hopefully) If you are a hopeless romantiac like me then avoid the FWB like the plague because no matter how hard you try you are going to develop some sort of romantiac feelings and get hurt.

The Way I feel about friendships part 1

Friendships or relationships that are one side are defined as when one person has more vested in a relationship  emotionally.  While these types of relationships work for a little while it generally ends with the person who was emotionally vested feeling used. angry, hurt and unwanted.

Some signs of a one sided relationships are

  •  One person repeatedly having to call or email to get a response from the other.
  • One friend failing to contact the other unless they need a favor.
  • One person at the whim of the other in terms of plans, frequency of get-togethers, and activities.


The key characteristic of an unbalanced friendship is consistency. In an unbalanced friendship, one person repeatedly “keeps the friendship going” while the other seems to care less about the relationship.One person repeatedly having to call or email to get a response from the other.

  • One friend failing to contact the other unless they need a favor.
  • One person at the whim of the other in terms of plans, frequency of get-togethers, and activities.


The key characteristic of an unbalanced friendship is consistency. In an unbalanced friendship, one person repeatedly “keeps the friendship going” while the other seems to care less about the relationship.

I often wonder why anyone would allow a one sided relationship to occur. If you have no intentions of being anything more then please be up front about it.  You are watching someone else put true effort and work into a friendship or relationship that you know is not anything more then a booty call or a way to pay your bills.

Wondering if you have  a one sided relationship? here is what you do. Walk away from that friend no phone calls no emails nothing if they call or email  you can always say you where busy  then you know they cared and they miss you in some way. BUT if they don’t call if they don’t text or email even just to say ” what’s up ? you doing ok” then you will finally know where you stand with them. You are a fleeting memory someone they only think of when all other options are closed. Yes I know it hurts and I know its a mean and cruel thing they did . But believe me you deserve more then just a so called friend who only thinks of you when they are broke and need to borrow money or when all their other friends are out and they wanna go out but not alone. I won’t lie to you it will be hard very hard . From experience I know that going from talking to someone everyday to not talking to them for months even years at a time sucks and it hurts. But you will live and you will better for it because you will know the signs next time and you will know where you stand from the get go.

You will begin to see soon enough that the person you put so much effort into the person you would and did anything for is a cold hearted callous fool and will always be nothing more then a selfish ass. Ok rant over !!



how to love a girl who doesn’t think she deserves to be loved

Whether we know it or not, we’ve all met some form of the typical “Miss Independent.”

Some of us know her better than others; some of us claim that title ourselves. I am the self-sufficient, somewhat mysterious go-getter with big dreams and an even bigger heart, though not everyone sees it at first glance.

Some might see me as cold and distant, because I needs a significant amount of alone time to keep me from feeling scattered and spread so thin that I disappear. Sure, I have family and friends with whom I  love to spend much of my time, but it’s in my nature to crave those precious hours of solitude—being only with my  thoughts, completely alone in a crowd or in the vastness of a quiet scene.

Some call it antisocial; I call it sanity.

For any or all of these reasons and then some, I have  never thought to have  been the type to “fall in love.” In fact, in any trlationship I have been in , it is  likely one of the most difficult and confusing things I have ever experienced—and I am  not usually one to be deterred. I am so  comfortable with being in control that the thought of surrendering even a little bit to someone else makes me uneasy. There’s also a chance that, despite her outward confidence and undeniable potential for success, I am  extremely insecure.

Or, maybe I am simply afraid of opening herself up enough to be loved.

Whatever the reason, it comes down to the fact that this girl probably doesn’t know how to handle the love that a suitor might want to give me. It doesn’t mean I am a lost cause, it just means that developing any kind of relationship with me will require an approach that’s more sensitive to my overly gaurded  heart.

In an effort to offer some insight, here are a few pointers for learning how to love a girl who doesn’t know how to be loved:

1. Be patient.

Don’t expect her  to feel comfortable with diving headfirst into anything even slightly resembling romance. Keep in mind, it’s probably taken her a great deal of contemplation and courage to even consider spending her time with you. And if she does appear comfortable responding to your first moves, it’s quite possible that she’s actually terrified of what you’ll think of her if she asks to slow things down. So, she just musters the strength to submit herself to the moment, only to spend all night feeling horrible about her dishonesty and inability to step on the brakes. This will freak her out enough to make her sever whatever ties were made and withdraw immediately—something she’s not afraid to do.

To avoid that, let things unfold at a pace that feels natural, which might be slower than what’s considered “normal.” Remember, she’s not used to this, and too much at once will surely send her over the edge. Showing sensitivity to her pace will let her know that she doesn’t have to fear being out of control, causing a miscommunication or feeling the pressure of time.

2. Talk.

Because she spends so much of her time alone and in her head, this girl might be under the impression that her thoughts and opinions are a bit too intense for others. She rarely shares the things on her mind, as she fears that whatever’s in there is so deep and inquisitive that people will think it’s overdramatic, oddly philosophical or just plain weird. She values deep conversation, but feels that she can exercise this pleasure with relatively few people, if any at all.

So talk with her. Let her know that she can say what’s on her mind, and don’t be afraid of her ability to dissect every possible meaning of a theory she’s been hung up on for weeks. If she apologizes for rambling about it, tell her she doesn’t need to be sorry, she doesn’t need to suppress it. Make her feel that although she is certainly unique for having such thoughts, she isn’t crazy or abnormal.

Tell her it makes her all the more beautiful.

And then, give it right back to her. Be sure to engage in her contemplations just as much as you listen; she wants to hear your thoughts more than you realize.

3. Support her.

Part of this girl’s struggle with letting herself be loved could be that she is relentlessly focused on her dreams and goals, so much so that she forgets to make room in her life for other things—like relationships. It’s not something she does intentionally, she’s just extremely determined to achieve whatever she has set out to do.

If she is forced to make a choice between a love life and her goals, she’s already chosen the latter. So don’t make her choose.

And certainly don’t make her feel guilty for not spending more of her time with you as a result—she’ll take that as another sign that she needs to sever the ties, even if they’re stronger at this point.

Instead, support her. If you really love this girl and she really loves you, then she’ll welcome the encouragement. She’ll want to support you, too. Let her; with a heart as passionate as hers, you’ll want her on your team.

4. Don’t be 2 halfs of a whole be two wholes that make an even greater whole.

Remember that this “Miss Independent” is just that—an independent chick with an ability to fend for herself. She might even be afraid of relying on others, no matter how much she trusts them.

Therefore, don’t think of a relationship with her as one that joins two halves together to make a whole; she won’t treat it as such, and she definitely won’t feel comfortable if you do. Rather, see it as two wholes becoming an even greater whole—two individuals who love each other enough to respect the other’s independence and uniqueness.

This includes honoring her need for alone time. She realizes that you are a person with or without her and asks that you see her in the same way. Being able to spend time apart is important to her; she doesn’t want to rely on your presence, nor does she want you to rely on hers.

Don’t try to spend every hour of every day with her unless you want her to feel so bombarded that she tailspins into a mess of tears, word vomit and utter confusion, ending with her breaking it off and swearing to never interact with another human ever again.

But when you are together, be together. Completely. Let her know she is loved until she begins to understand what that feels like, and then keep doing it. If it’s right, she’ll come around. And because she’s loyal by nature, she’ll stick around, too (so don’t give her any reason to think that you won’t).

Truly, I have alot of love to give , even if I am a bit awkward in showing it at first. I just needs time—time to figure things out for myself, to better understand how this works.

Let her figure out that deep down, she just wants to love and be loved—just like everyone else.

If Ibhappens to let you close enough to love me, take it seriously. It means I  trying. It means I want to love you. And remember that helping me learn how to be loved in return is the surest way to win my heart.