Just because we dont talk anymore does not mean i dont think about you anymore it mean i got tired of not being thought about

have you ever been done so wrong, you feel sick to your stomach? You have a big ball in your throat? You can’t sleep? It’s the only thing on your mind and nothing else even comes close to it in importance? That’s how it feels to be led on. That’s how it feels to have such a big part of your life just dropped.. That’s how it feels when you thought something was soo right, but was soo wrong. That’s pain I know I shouldn’t think about it anymore, but it’s so hard to stop thinking about something that made me so happy. How nice your lips felt on mine, how tender they were. How you moved your hands lightly on my skin, sending shivers down my spine. How every time you pulled me close I never wanted you to let go. How every time we touched I felt something that I never felt with anyone before. I wish I could feel that same way again, but I know it’ll never happen.I Don’t feel the need to be with you as I used to, but I still feel weary when I think about how we cared, and what is missing now. I am not in a place to be with anyone, yet I enjoy your company most. But the emptiness in me continues to boil even if you are here, so what is it that I do? I am most comfortable with you, but we both aren’t in a good enough state. Why is it always me? Why is it so hard to think of me as more again? Why can’t you be the him I knew instead? this is too much change for me, and I don’t feel I trust myself enough to continue any other feeling than just being numb.When you lose feelings, its considered fucking over the person on the recieving end. You played them. Lead them on. Lied. Used them. Everyone only hears the ‘victims’ side of the story. Only hears and accepts their emotional pain and sorrows. Them and their friends starts hating on you. Blaiming you. Spreading absurd accusations about how things went down.
And what happens to you? You get no say in it. What so ever. Want them to hear you out? See it from your side? You can try. Some will eventually see it. Some. The others will forever hate on you. They’ll glare at you. When your name’s mention in any of their conversations, you’ll be remarked as “That player. Doucebag. Bitch. Heartbreaker.”
Thought that you can still be friends with them afterwards? Ha. No way in hell. They wont even give you a chance. But why would you want to? Think about it. Why try your hardest to remain friends with someone who only sees and thinks about you in a negative light? You did your part and that should be enough. Forget them. Yeah it didnt work out between you two, but you tried to start fresh and stay friends, as it was in the begining.
So when you’re the one who loses feelings, do not care about what that person and their friends think about you. Especially when you didnt do anything wrong. Feelings are feelings. Things change. And if they cant accept that and accept your point of view and apologies, forget them. They should no longer have any control over the way you act and are.It’s nights like these that I hate.       

Where my mind starts to wander to you (and you know who you are, if you even still read my blog). Where I remember all of our memories and how badly I want to take all of them back because it was all so stupid. Our fling was just.. It was a massacre. But then I remember the little feelings you gave me when I woke up and you were beside me.

I last gaze at his eyes for so long ago that I can no longer remember how it feels like to see him. The longer it took for me to see him again, the more I am learning to perfect the art of concealing my feelings. So and so, even though how much I miss him and no matter how hard I try to see him again, at the end of an unbearable moment, there is nothing I can do but to bury my feelings in the deepest chamber of my heart just to console myself.

Yes, he’s been there all the time. And I had once thought that we are each other’s walking personal twitter because we share almost everything we do, our thoughts for the moment or even thoughts for the next ages. We literally talk about everything there is to talk about. We seldom agree with each other’s perspective and oftentimes, we’ll just find ourselves arguing. We argue even about the most stupid arguments and we just laugh about it afterwards. I’ve never been good about documenting and letting other people know what I’m doing and all my whereabouts. But since he came, I learned little by little how to express my feelings with thoroughness. I don’t know what to feel anymore. But for certain, there will be a sudden hit of pain in my heart if I’m going to read his message cancelling our union. That message will sure be filled with his endless sorry.

It pains me to know that we’re just two leagues away and yet we can’t find a way to see each other. I am so used to saying I miss him that it scares me that it just become one of the norms to utter that phrase even though I no longer feel the same.

a new year but hoping for some of the same

I got to thinking about how many things have happened. There were sad, and there were painful, but there were also happy things.

I learned a lot of things about myself this year . I have learned that I do have a heart and I am human and fall for people I am not suppose to nor should I . I have discovered that I get attached to  people to fast especially if the appreciate me and what I do for them and care for them ( even if they are pretending or not ) I have also discovered that I do want to be loved and cared for and needed just as much as I care for love and need others .   I had met awesome people but there are also people who didn’t stay. I realized that I am blessed with super friends who never left me behind. And for that, there are so many reasons to thank God. Time flies, indeed. From this moment, I find myself facing the new year filled with hope and faith that more great things, opportunities and blessings are yet to come.

I know that you have had girls this past year and you will have many more in the year to come and most likely they will not include me but I want you to know that I  will always be your present . You enjoyed me at first but after awhile you outgrew me like you do your new toys and clothes  forgotten unwanted now you want something new but it is ok because I know even though we may or may not last I was at one time a signficant part of your life and you will always be a part of mine . I have only every wanted to be the girl who makes your bad days better the girls who you can honestly say that your life has changed since you met me . I’m afraid you’ll meet a new girl who seems to be better than me. It’s not that I’m afraid you’ll leave or break up with me, but I’m afraid you’ll be in love with her and not tell me Please don’t get tired of me. It happens every time. People lose interest in me. They get tired of me. Suddenly, they don’t bother hitting me up anymore. The conversations become shorter. They forget about me and I just become a distant memory. I wonder if it’s my fault sometimes. But then I realize that people never stay in my life. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

I keep hoping that one day you will text me or call me and tell me all the feelings you have been hiding that they are the same ones like I have That you remember all the stupid things  I texted you and all the stupid stuff I said . That one day you will tell me that I am the one you want the one you keep thinking about I would love to hear that the reason you didn’t tell me your feelings is because you got scared of the feelings you had for me and you where afraid you wanted me to much . Anything to give me the slightest hope that I am not holding on for nothing .

trust

That overwhelming moment when you realize you NEED someone in your life.

Followed by that other moment (usually), where they decide they don’t really want YOU in their life.I hate that I get so attached to people so quickly. I constantly want to talk to them, know how they’re doing, make them happy, see them smile. I always worry if I should give them space, and when I do, I become distant. I don’t want to be. But it happens. I don’t want to get used to them being there because there is that chance they’ll get tired, or annoyed and leave. Or one day we’ll stop talking and I’ll wonder where I went wrong, or what I did to cause it .

People are layers and layers of secrets yo think you know everything about someone and then you discover something new . Something that they buried or kept hidden from you deep inside thier heart You will never really know someone but you have to decide that you trust them . I rarely trust I just could never open myself up to someone to completly reveal myself to them . But recently I have realized that my list has grown alot in a the past year . about the time I decided to stop pretending to be someone I am not and started being someone thta makes me happy and someone I am proud to be .

it is no coincidence that during moments of overwhelming emotion, we feel as if we have lost our language. it is then that we realize that there are not words for everything. that’s the thing about feeling, sometimes it can only be truly felt. emotion isn’t something to study and prepare for. it cannot be anticipated or predicted. it is an unstoppable freight train that ceases for no obstruction. the harder you fight it, the deeper the wound.

nonetheless, talking helps. although we will never be able to fully convey to another what we are feeling, our brains are organic vents that need to be released. a refusal to acknowledge what we feel, only leads to an inevitable rupture. like a volcano, really. you can play hide and seek for as long as you want, you’ll either be caught, or you’ll eventually give up.

but who can we talk to? if there is one thing in my life that has caused me sleepless nights, countless problems, and lost relationships, it’s knowing who to trust. no one is 100% trustworthy or honest. not a soul. as perfection is an imperfect idea, we are imperfect beings. i wish i had a solution to this problem. i wish i could even somehow explain how i’ve gone about trusting others with my deepest, darkest thoughts, but i have no answer. i still struggle with this. people change so frequently, and when distance grows between people, so does doubt. the best you can do is guess and check, and when you guess wrong, move on and find the courage to guess again.

people will forget, that’s what they do best.

Don’t wanna fall in love !!

I was talking to a friend last night and he asked me “Why are you afraid to fall in love ?”

My reply was “Because I no longer believe in love . Conversation over !”!

He replied How come the only way to know how high you get me, is to see how far I fall? God only knows how much I’d love you if you let me, but i can’t break through at all.”

 

Falling in love again after you’ve been hurt before is hard. Wait, that’s an understatement, right? You think you’ve got your head on straight and you’re finally in control of your life and then someone steps in and everything is different. You’re walking on cloud nine for a little bit, butterflies in your stomach, and you’re all smiles. And then the realization that you’ve let your guard down hits you like a lead brick wall.

The idea of allowing someone back into your heart is overwhelming. You’re constantly living with the fear that just as you slip, right as you fall, they’re going to turn around and leave you. You start to over-analyze every word, every text (or lack thereof) and every action. What once was ‘good enough’ for you just doesnt cut it anymore. The nights at home by yourslf, the time that was used to catch up, the quiet moments to reflect, dream and wonder. They don’t mean quite as much anymore because they arent with you. The last thing you want to do is base your happiness on someone else, right?

So you have to sit down with yourself and take a step back from everything. To remember that no matter what happens, you’ll be okay. You’ve still got the nights out with the friends who know you best, conversations over coffee with family that never judge, and those walks through the trails that settle your mind. You have to remember that with every mistake comes a lesson and with every heartache comes a kind of understanding. You have to be content with the fact that love is taking a risk; but it’s a risk of the greatest kind. When you find the one that’s worth tearing down that brick wall around your heart, you have to walk into it willingly. You have to remember that no matter what happens, you still have yourself. That’s all you’ll ever need.

I’m not a concept. Too many guys think I’m a concept or I complete them or I’m going to make them alive, but I’m just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don’t assign me yours.”

Don’t play with my emotions, don’t make me believe what isn’t there, don’t make me fall if your intentions aren’t one’s of honesty, do you know why? Because when I fall for you I fell  to fall hard, I Gave  you all of me, I put in the effort to let you know how special you are to me, I have tried to  show you that you’re the only one in my heart. But what I does for you I  want in return , I wants to know that I am  loved, I don’t  want to be anyones  option, I want to see that my efforts are being seen and appreciated. Don’t make me wonder if falling for you was a mistake , don’t make me regret ever meeting you because when you do it’s going to hurt more then you could ever know …

Love rant

I want someone who can text me good morning. I want someone who can text me goodnight. I want someone who kisses me randomly on the lips or cheek. And do all these things with me like having lazy days, go to mall, go to the movies, sleep together, go to the park and just being together. I want someone who likes me for me and just… Wants me.. You know? I want to be loved and cared for. I want someone to tell me “I love you” and when they say it, they tear a bit because they know they mean it.

I just want to scream and yell and break shit? To grab somebody by the shoulders and shout “WAKE THE FUCK UP I’M STANDING RIGHT HERE!!!” and slap them upside the head hoping they’ll get it? To find the person standing in your way and completely and utterly destroy their existence? To take the one you love and run away to a place where all these worries and thoughts and problems will be far far away? Because I do, I want that more than anything in the world right now. I’d give anything to have her wholly to myself and never worry about being happy ever again because she makes me happier than I can ever remember being. I just want things to work out

The word LOVE is highly overused.

It feels as if it has lost its meaning. People date for a three weeks && they are suddenly in love with each other. A month && a half after they break up for insignificant reasons. Love is soooooo much stronger than that. It goes way beyond a few arguments && misunderstandings. Break up, make up, break up, make up. Love isn’t a damn game people. It’s not something you can just bundle up && throw to the trash like it’s all okay. I have been in love with someone once in my life && it just makes me sad hearing people tell each other they love each other && make a game out of their relationship. We just seem to confuse other strong feelings for love such as lust.

Love is physical, mental, emotional, & spiritual. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that there is something wrong with me. that’s it there has to be, because I’m tired of getting hurt, I’m tired of having tons of feelings for someone just to looked over or not good enough. I will never be good enough. I will never be pretty enough, so its gotten to the point of, WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I KEEP TRYING!? why should I keep putting myself through all these dumb dates and try for a relationship that no one wants to have with me.
I get it, I do, i’m young, I should be happy, being wild, free, single, not giving a shit.
well you know what, I am happy, I’ve been happy doing all those things. it really would be nice for once, if I could just find someone who actually like spending time with me, who actually has feelings for me. someone I can be myself around, someone who can be their self around me and that ok because we both love each others weird awkwardness and everything bout the each other. were not just lovers, were best friends too. I just don’t understand why I can’t have that. I deserve that, if only that, after everything I have been through and everyone I’ve lost.. why I still have to be the lonely one..why do the people I know, who are jerks, lairs, cheater get to have happy relationships, but I do…why do I always have to be ” Just a friend”

*sorry everyone I just had to get that of my chest. not that you are but now you know

A small peeking of sunshine through cold gray clouds ..

So the ex and I got in a ginormous fight about you last night, and it wasn’t really about you, it was more about me and how he thinks I was in love with you.

The thing about it is that I thought I could be in love with you, but I never got the chance. I barely got to know you. You never really let me in, maybe because you were leaving, or maybe because you really are that guy that I’ve been told you are: the player with all the right words and the great smile. But regardless, I never fell in love with you.

Did I love you? Yes, in a strange way. I think I loved the idea of you more than anything else, the idea that you could make me this happier, more calm human being. You de-stressed me and reminded me that I was human and that I was allowed to make mistakes without my world ending. You were so lackadaisical about life, and I loved that concept. I loved that I could be ridiculous around you and you didn’t care. I loved your smile and your scruffy face . But loving you? Who knows. I think I needed to know you more for that.

My friend Shannon asked me what it meant when I told her it couldn’t happen between you and I. She asked me how I could know that. I told her because you left, and no matter how much I entertained the notion of chasing you, I couldn’t, because my heart belongs here in on the coast, with the  Salt air and  sandy beaches within driving distance . Her response to me was “Well clearly he isn’t the one. If he was, he’d still be here.”

And you’re not still here, and I’m not there, and that’s never going to change. Who knows what we could’ve been if you didn’t leave. But the fact is that you did, and spending all my time asking myself “what if?” isn’t going to change a thing.

I was looking at doctoral writing programs online today and found out that the University of Denver has the number one program in the country. It almost made me laugh out loud. The program looks phenomenal, but five years in Denver? That’s quite the commitment to be in a city that doesn’t quite pull on my heartstrings the way Noth Carolina  does. , and whatever, and missing things that like would just be a travesty.

UNC has a good program too, and they’re cheap and close to me and then I could still be in this beautiful state I call home. I’ll get to see my family grow up and watch football with my boys and be here for my daughter in case something shitty happens again.

But I won’t pretend the notion didn’t cross my mind. I mean it’s an amazing program. But if I’m going to uproot my life across the country, I’m going to do it for USC…SoCal has the best weather in the world. Plus you won’t be there to fuck with my head nonstop and all, so that would be helpful.

So anyway, the fight ended because I realized that although I am crazy passionate about you and I still think about you all the time, that I couldn’t have been in love with you, because that would’ve been the stupidest thing I could do. And we all know that while I may act real dumb sometimes, I am incredibly far from stupid.

why am I still falling for you like I feel like I have a chance? This isn’t the movies where the ordinary chick gets a date with the hot guy, fends off the mean girls a la Mean Girls with Lindsay Lohan and becomes popular and is the girlfriend of the hot guy.

It’s reality. It’s something called my life which is lame, and things always happen at the wrong times.

You hardly know me, yet you call me a cool girl. What do I know about you? What do you know about me?

Nothing.

Can this work? Can I get to know you and open myself up enough to let you see the real me?

You are really adorable, soft spoken, and a prince charming in my eyes. I don’t know why I never noticed you, but I’m glad that I did now.I can’t find the exact words to say how I really feel. It’s not that I have this feeling to harness on you, but, well, yes, I do like you.  Yet, I’m not expecting anything in return nor asking you to feel the same way

I am not mad I am hurt there is a difference

I’m done pretending. So here goes: No, I’m not okay with the fact that you broke my heart. No, I’m not okay with the fact that we don’t hardly talk anymore. And to top it all off, no, I’m not okay with the fact that I fell in love with you in the first place

Love is a big sacrifice isn’t it? You forgive & try to forget. You know you will cry but you still give it a try. You are hurt but you still continue to love. You were betrayed but you still hope. And the next big hit?

You have been left but you still wait.Things don’t always go the way we expect it to be. And, we have to accept that. No matter how broken or depressed we are, never let that smile & that cheerful attitude of ours be taken away just because things go wrong. There are other things to be happy about & that’s what matters the most.

You know what’s the worst? Thinking you have a chance with someone, and then realizing that you actually don’t. Wasting your time on someone. Wasting your time thinking about them every moment of the day. Wasting your time just waiting for a text or a call back. Wasting your time wondering if they feel the same way as you, wondering if they’re thinking about you too. When in reality, they aren’t. While you’re making them your priority, they’re only making you an option.

You know you’re in love when you wake up and they’re your first thought & you’re looking at your phone to see if they’ve texted or called you while you were asleep. And when you go to bed, you fall asleep thinking about them. When you miss them, even though it hasn’t been more than a day or so since you’ve last seen them. But most importantly, when you put their needs before your own. When their happiness is more important than your pain. When you really love someone, you’re willing to give it your all, and you’ll know when you are

Love makes you do crazy things. Love makes it hard to think & act reasonably. It makes you question who you are, what you want in life, and how you see things. Love makes you weak in the knees & makes your stomach toss & turn. It makes you stupid. It makes you reckless. But at the same time, it makes you happy.

And honestly, I’m not sure if I should keep holding on or let go. It’s stupid to hold on to something that just keeps hurting you, but it’s also stupid to let go of everything you’ve ever wanted.

a Guy friend of mine said this to me last night

You think you’re in love with him, because you miss him. But no. You’re just stuck in a state of mind where you are lonely & wanting to be with someone who appreciates you.

if he wanted you that bad, he would ask you to be his. If he wanted to talk to you, he would make an effort to call you or text you. If he cares about you so much, he would show it. Why are you wasting your time on someone who will never be yours and why are you waiting for someone who can never be worth your time? There’s other guys out there and you’re actually missing out on someone who gives a fuck about you and who’s afraid to lose you. So stop leaning your happiness and expectations on a guy that brings back disappointment to you all the time.

Isn’t that tiring? To pick up after someone who breaks their promises all the time. Now I am not saying I agree with what he said . I am just starting to question things . I know how I feel when he is around me it’s like When I see you, the world. It stops and all that exists for me, is you and my eyes staring at you. There’s nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The world just stops and it’s a beautiful place and there’s only you. Just you. And my eyes staring at you. When you’re gone, the world starts again and I don’t like it as much. I can live in it, but I don’t like it. I just walk around in it, and wait to see you again and wait for it to stop again. I love it when it stops. It’s the best thing I’ve ever known or ever felt, the best thing, and that, is why I stare at you.I’m the kind of girl who when I cry, I cry. When I fall for someone, I fall too hard. People tell me I’m too intense when it comes to emotions. I’ll do anything to be around you. I don’t always look perfect & sometimes I get insecure. And I may have flaws, but I’ll love you better than anyone else ever could.

 

 

They tell you they hope all your dreams come true what they forget to tell you is Nightmares are dreams too

The nightmares have started again . It has been months since having one but its surprising how easily the fear and the unknown quickly begin to feel familiar again . I have been plagued with insomnia since I can remember . Sleepless nights tossing and turning up and down but the nightmares they didn’t start until I was 16. I suppose what I went through its accepted and even expected but they had stopped for a while for a few months they had actually gone away . I welcomed the dark for a short while I was no longer afraid of what closing my eyes would bring for a few months anyway . But I can say they are back full force and have picked up right where they left off  now . Welcome back unwelcome friend..

Sometimes, I have dreams that I wish could be erased completely from my memory. Ironically, these are the only dreams I remember in the long-term. I guess that makes sense though. They are the dreams that cause my heart to skip a beat with relief when I finally wake up and realize – wow, crazy dream. Most of my dreams are more like nightmares.

Have you ever dreamed vividly about someone random and then seen them the next day? You might even make eye contact with them. Then you freeze up because, for a split second, you think they can read your mind. I hate that feeling. Like I’ve been exposed and there’s nowhere to run.

I’m scared that one day, all my secrets will overpower my body and they’ll have no place to go but out. I could never let that happen though. Embarrassment mostly. Vulnerability too. Sometimes, it’s just easier to wear a mask and hope for the best.

But most of us do that anyway.

it was just so  damn terrifying that I even broke down in tears. I was leaning against my pillow , and I could still feel the wet fabric. I’ve have not  experienced something like this in a long time . This pain in my chest and the gasping whilst crying it breaks my heart that the dream felt so real, how I hear voices & quiet whispers surrounding the house, even though I know there is nobody here, except me and my family. I even took the courage to get out of bed and check all the rooms in our house, just in case there would be someone/something that could hurt my family.

I found myself in a cheap hotel room with two twin beds, lying on the floor. Chop was drawing pictures on my stomach with a knife while I asked him why, how he’d changed into this monster. There was blood running across the floor into a black hole in the middle of the room. That’s when I saw the terrifying, grey child-like creatures in the darkness. One of them flew across the room, toward me. I grabbed it by the neck. The other latched onto my wrist with its saw-like teeth. I could feel it. I could feel everything. But most of all, I felt betrayed.

Everyone has that secret that they hide and hide immensely. No, not the one you don’t say because people are stupid and ignorant about the world. The one about the experience. The one that changed your life and it can never be the same. Maybe you haven’t experienced it yet. I have had four of these experiences. When you have one, you will know. Two of them I have been able to cope with and talk to people about. One of them I have only ever told one other person, they know who they are. (No not the one I don’t tell because people are stupid, the one about when I was younger). That leaves just one, and this one is truly a deepest darkest secret that I have never told anybody. It is the saddest part of my life and simply thinking about it makes me, , cry and break down. When you discover your secret it will change you. It will be the experience that makes you consider the world to be the way it is, to make you have your opinions, and to make you understand how the world works.

Im not giving up on you . I am just starting over

 There is something about you I can not just walk away from ..something I just can’t give up on .. but I have to figure this out on my own my feelings are What do you want me to say? Yes, you’re right. We’re just one big walking disaster and yeah, my life would probably be a whole lot easier if I just walked out that door right now – I know that. But the thing is, I already know that nothing on the other side of that door could ever come close to making me as happy as I am when I’m with you. That’s why I’m here No matter how things get, no matter what shit life throws at us, there’s no where else I’d rather be. I want to spend the rest of my life right here. With you part of it .

The feeling when I’m with you, right there, is the exact reason why I never gave up when everyone else said stop trying.

I have never been the one to wait around. I am always moving and dancing and running, But for some reason with u I am  patient. I will  wait for nobody, and nothing else, except you

I can’t explain this feeling for you, but i guess i can try. It’s like I’ve waited for this one thing my whole life, and it’s suddenly right in front of me. I know you sometimes doubt how you feel for me, and sometimes I doubt how I feel for you, but then there are times, stupid times,like when we’re walking together and we brush against each other, and I know without a question that you’re feeling the same way I am. and those moments, however few or far between, make everything we go through worth it. What can I say? Somewhere in these past few months, I’ve fallen in love.

So here’s everything I’ve ever wanted to tell you. No one has ever gotten me like you; I’ve never found anyone who makes me laugh like you. You’re the one person who I can honestly see myself happy with. . but If you never let your heart out there, it can never get broken. If it never gets broken, you’ll never know what it’s like for it to be whole again. You need to stop worrying about it getting hurt and just take the jump. Don’t look down

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

Clearly we have something special here
And I wont stop following my heart
Cause it got me this far and I love who you are

You know what I think we are most afraid of? Not knowing. Not knowing whether it’s all really worth it. Not knowing if you should give up or keep fighting. Not knowing why you do the things you do; not knowing the purpose.

I’m will always give  him another chance, since I will  never really gave up. It may seem like I moved on, but all I am doing is  pick myself up and trying to be  happy. If you have to know, You was always at the top of my heart.

At last.

I finally feel as though I am coming into my own.  I am accepting my independence  and embracing it. For so long I have been trapped. Whether it be in my own state of mind or what, but I have escaped and am able to being to be myself and do the things that I have truly wanted to do for so long.

People from my past are randomly popping back into my life and its weird and interesting. 

I can finally talk and be real and truthful. Even friends that I have been friends with for years. Best friends. I am able to have a genuine conversation with them again. 

It just feels good to see and know what I want from myself, and to actually do it

 

darkness falls so does my hope !!

“Lying in my bed, feeling absolutely nothing. Seeing absolutely nothing. The feeling of numbness overwhelms me quite often. It’s like, everything goes black, and I get depressed. Triggered. Just like that. My
house is not a home, but rather a place for depression to consume my mind; a place for dark thoughts to take over. My bed is NOT a safe haven, but rather a place to self-loathe, a place where I’m slowly killing myself. The thought of death haunts me every night before I go to sleep. Like something I can’t get over like even if I could do something about it I wouldn’t. Not even if it consumed me and that was all I thought about, I wouldn’t stop it I wouldn’t put up a fight I would just let it.most of the time i wish i could just die with out it being a problem. I hate living, i hate breathing, i hate looking at myself in the mirror,and its not that i don’t appreciate life because life is a beautiful thing but i can’t allow myself to enjoy it. Iv been happy before i don’t remember when but i miss it; all i want is to be happy again i want something to numb the pain and erase these thoughts,and i want someone who could love me; but who can love someone who can’t even learn to love them self.Dealing with emotions has never been that easy.When it comes to vulnerability and insecurity,negative feelings invade your mind,and unknowingly you keep sinking instead of raising to the surface, you find comfort in those dark thoughts because you feel you can relate to them.Self harm becomes the loophole to your dark thoughts,but they just don’t heal you…Do they?! You convince yourself there’s no way out,before considering the contrary…You refuse to help yourself because it’s how you choose to view things…It is the mode of living you’ve adopted.
Is there ever a way to feel happiness within oneself instead of looking for it in someone else?Is there a way to make to derive strength from your weakness instead of making someone else the reason to keep going?
I think,the answer will always be Yes.The only question which remains is: Are you willing to fight your own demons?

 

All the things i have inside
They are slowly fading away
I’m screaming my voice off
The whole world is deaf and dumb
I am in the abyss of my mind
I can feel the cold of my soul
My heart is miscomprehended  and confused
I’m drowning back in my old habits
Maybe i wanted this
Maybe it’s all i deserved
But this is my life
Pain is my only feeling
My destiny has lost it track
Maybe it’s time to give up
Fighting seems so worthless
Sunset to sunrise
Morning to midnight
My life is filled with blank pages
I still don’t know where i belong

 

It’s at times like these when those deep dark thoughts resurface in my mind. The evil monster lurks inside, trying to lash out, through my lips through my eyes through all of me, to consume me forever. I fight hard, but it feels overwhelming. The monster learns fast and attacks me with a stronger hit every time. I’m baffled and getting weaker every time. The voices in my head tell me it’s the only way out, the only way to rid of this horrible, envious, angry, ungrateful, useless monster. Every day, my mind grows closer to believing it, even though the other half strongly disapproves it.