Will this yearning inside of me every go away? Will you ever stop crossing my mind in those moments when I finally feel like I’ve made progress? Will I ever stop imagining your touch when I need someone in my darkest hours? But mostly, will the pain of missing you ever stop?
The ones where you gave it your all. The ones you felt that they would be there for you for the whole time. But something happened, or even nothing happened at all. Whatever it was, it caused the friendship to fade. And that friendship turned into acquaintances, and then into strangers.
All I wanted was someone who wants to hang out with me all the time thinks I am the most awesome person in the world and wants to have sex with me more than anyone else . Is this a immpossiable . I have discovered that I am never going to be anyones first choice . I will never be anyone favorite people tell me that I am important to them that I mean alot to them and that I will always be special but in the end I know that they will alwyas pick someone else over me .
I am going to rant for a moment So during this break up I was asked a question last night by him in a text message no less . So how many sexual partnets have you really had ? Really 6 months into a relationship ans you aske this question AFTER you break up with me ?? what the hell?
This is one of those rude and ridiculous questions vanilla people repeatedly ask one another as they fuck their way through their early twenties.
While the answer means next to nothing, the question itself speaks volumes about a middle-minded American sexuality built on little more than thinly…
I had a moment once upon a time , lying in some post-coital afterglow with two good friends. The moment I realised that I can’t really say for sure how many people I’ve had sex with.
What about those guys I had a long term relationship with where we “only” had oral sex? Do they count?
What about the girls I’ve kissed and sucked and fingered within the context of a MFF threesome? Do they count?
Does that guy who drunkenly gave me a hand-job outside a party count? We TRIED to have sex, but he couldn’t keep his erection with a condom, and it was cold out there in the garden.
If I can’t remember it, does it count? If I didn’t enjoy it, does it count?
There was that guy I drunkenly fucked once and never again. He pulled my total from five to six, yet a man I loved and spent countless hours with during our year together, loving, exploring, fucking, spanking – he pulls my total from six to seven. That change in number doesn’t express how much MORE he was. How much bigger and fuller within my sexual growth and experience. If he only gets to move my number by one place, it feels like some people should only get decimal points.
What about those delicious make-outs in club toilets with beautiful strangers? The heaviest of petting? They don’t get numbers at all. But some of those experiences were more memorable, more cherished, than the one night stand that happened to involve a penis in my vagina.
The more I think about it, the more that keeping track of the numbers just doesn’t even make sense. The numbers aren’t fair. They aren’t logical. They can never describe the weight or importance of each individual, or lack thereof.
The number “One”, the “First,” sometimes gets this big special party made about it, but if you were like me, there were many firsts, many important moments and people, evolutions of self and sex that occurred whilst I was still supposedly stuck on zero. I bought it then, but I don’t now.
Quite frankly, I’m still having firsts. Still having moments of surprise and wonder, those moments of “Oh! I’ve never done this before,” or “This has never never felt like this!” And I want to keep doing that. I don’t want it ever to end, the experiences disappearing under this pile of depersonalised fucking numbers.
I don’t give a shit about the number. Tell me about the people. Tell me about your favourite fucks, your most magical moments. Tell me about your first, if it matters, or don’t if it doesn’t. Tell me about your journey. Share some intimacy with me. I promise I will never reduce you to a number.
fallenangelsbrokenhearts 