a year of understanding me !! Finally !!

over the past year I have come to the Realizations that

  • I put myself down, a lot.
  • I’m often scared to fully be myself.
  • I love broken people, mostly because I want to fix them or protect them.
  • I look for men who are emotionally unavailable because then I don’t have to be surprised when they don’t want me.

Changes I plan on making this year

  • Love myself and stop thinking ‘what if’
  • Let my freak flag fly
  • Stick to my commitments
  • Live in the present
  • Practice patience, because ‘good things come to those who wait’ apparently
  • Eat healthier

 

This year, I need to work on myself and to what I gotta do to be happy. I’ll do my best. I’ll try. I’ll find away.

It’s been a while since I’ve been this emotionally attached to a person. And I must admit, this scares me shitless.

 

being so consumed by all of these things that I haven’t taken a chance to reflect on what has being going on in my life lately. I am incredibly happy and incredibly excited for this new chapter in my life. I am both scared and excited

All the while, I have invested a lot of time in a guy who makes me smile, laugh, is laid back

Someone who I have tried so hard not to fall for or develop feelings for, but they are there, blooming and growing each day. I know it is stupid to fall for someone  but I can’t help it. We’ve been talking since January and the more I get to know him the more I enjoy being around him.

I realize that this friendship/relationship may not go anywhere but it has renewed my hope in that the right guy for me is out there if he turns out to not be the one. We’ve all heard that saying that goes “If you love him, let him go. If he comes back to you, he’s your’s forever. If he doesn’t, it was never meant to be.” I don’t know if I love him, I know I care about him. I’ve discovered that the best type of love is the one that grows each day, the one that you took time to build a strong foundation for. As of now I don’t know how he feels about me and he, if he can’t tell, doesn’t know how I feel about him. We have avoided talking about feelings, about how we feel for each other all this time.

I’m not expecting anything because I know it is irrational to expect him to love me or care for me I’ll let him go if that’s what it comes down to and if we cross paths again one day, I know it was meant to be. Regardless, I can’t help but give him credit for taking the time to get to know me despite knowing me and the real me

I trust him, I’ve said that before about other guys without really meaning it. With him is different, I am actually trying hard to trust him, to give him the benefit of the doubt that when all this is over that we will stay in touch and will look back at what we shared. If he chooses to try having some kind of relationship with me, then I trust him in that he has the best intentions for me. That he will be kind to me as I have been kind to him. I thought I was scared for when the time comes where we both face what has being happening between us and what we want to do about it, but I’m not.

The worst that can happen is that he or we decide to remain friends and that is not a bad thing or worst case scenario at all. I feel more for him then I admit because he is the closest that has come to meeting that bar that was set high.

One look at him and I want to kiss him until nothing around us exist. I haven’t felt like that before. I haven’t felt that kind of attraction that is not just physical but also mental and emotional. Or perhaps I have felt it before but never as strong as I do with him. All this is so new to me and while neither one of us have discussed what’s going on between us, I have cherished each moment spent with him.

Whatever happens I am happy in that I was fortunate to experience such feelings. I haven’t fully experienced the complete package because we are both guarded due to our situation, but the feelings that I have felt have been great. I take the memories and the possibility that perhaps there’s a chance at something more, or that perhaps I am just that closer at finding my soul mate. . Good things do come to those who wait and even if this relationship that has being blooming comes to an end, I know in my heart that perhaps one day we will cross paths again or perhaps the guy that I am meant to be with is out there still.

Once upon a time, my happiness was dependent off of having a guy in my life, off of finding the one. That does not hold true anymore. My happiness is dependent off of me. Off of doing the things that make me happy, off of being simply happy that I surpass my nightmares. Each day I am working at dissolving my insecurities, my doubts, my fears, and each day it gets easier. I never thought I would get here, I never thought I would reach today where I am more confident in my decisions, more confident with myself. I love myself and appreciate myself that others have noticed.

My inner light shines brighter today because I made the decision of dusting off my knees, getting back up, and head in a path where things are much more brighter, where my life actually has taken the path where my future shines bright. I could have given up, I was given reasons to give up, but I didn’t because somewhere inside of me, I knew things were only going to get better if I chose to allow things to get better. God gave me the strength, held my hand, and guided me in the direction that I needed to go. My grandpa that has being looking after me since he passed away has being my Guardian Angel helping me each day face the challenges that I encounter.

This is me now. A healthy me. A happy me. I love myself back. I appreciate myself. My happiness is no longer dependent off of a guys approval of me. I’ve come a long way and still have a long way to go. Life is good. Life is great. “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference”

 

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